Zombie books

"I create zombie novels," she said.

"That's great!" he enthused. "Zombie stories are really popular right now."

"No. You don't understand. I don't write books about zombies. I make zombie books!"

"Oh..." he replied. "Um... I guess I don't know what that means."

"Listen. Zombies are the living dead, right? Books are made from trees, which were once alive. Now they live again!"

"So, every book is a zombie, then?" he asked.

"No. Zombies also eat your brains." she reminded him.

"Er--"

"Here," she said, "Try this one!"

The book had a shrivelled, bluish-white cover. It was moaning softly.

An invitation?

"How'd you like to go have dinner at Le Mort de Poullet tonight?" She asked.

"That sounds great!" he replied. "It'd be even better if you'd join me!"

-From Twenty Uses for a Burnt-Out Lightbulb,

a non-existent novel by Allen Hickerson      

Well, so long as it's not personal...

"It's nothing personal," she said.

He breathed a sigh of relief.

She continued, "It's just that I hate you vehemently."

-From Twenty Uses For A Burnt-Out Lightbulb

a non-existent novel by Allen Hickerson

Ring! Ring!

"Hello," she said, "This is your conscience calling."

"Really?" he replied, incredulous. "So my conscience has learned to use the phone, now?"

-From Twenty Uses For A Burnt-Out Light Bulb,

a non-existent novel by Allen Hickerson

Girl Meets Boy

"That his body was a temple was very clear. What was less apparent to her was to just which deity it had been dedicated. By his looks, Anne suspected that it might have been Bacchus--god of wine and drunken feasting. Then again, maybe he belonged to Justice. She was supposed to be blind, after all..."

From Twenty Uses For A Burnt-Out Light Bulb,

a non-existent novel by Allen Hickerson

What Do You Want, Angus Dorrigan?

"Oh kind and gracious Lord..."

"Yes?"

"Huh? Oh! Hello, I'd like ta' talk to God."

"Speaking."

"Ya mean, it's really you?"

"That's right."

"Whoa, I figured I'd have to speak to some secretary or something first."

"No. Just me. I'm always listening."

"Always?"

"Yes, My Child."

"Even when I'm not prayin'?"

"Yes."

"So ya heard what I said last Tuesday about Annie MacDougal and--"

"Yes."

"Oh. Look, I'm really sorry about all that! If I'd a'known you were listenin' in, I'd--"

"What do you want, Angus Dorrigan?"

"W-e-l-l... I want to stop wantin'."

"I'm sorry, Angus. No can do."

"What?"

"The desire for improvement of self and circumstances is part of what makes you human. Besides, if you didn't have that desire to better yourself, you would never attempt to change your ways at all! Not to mention that the desire to cease all desire is self-defeating."

"But, I hafta' stop wantin' things! I want to become a Buddhist!"

"Well, you're going about it all wrong."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"You guess?"

"Point well taken."

"Now, what do you want, Angus Dorrigan?"

"I wouldn't mind a new kite."

"Red, with white zigzag stripes?"

"Yes, please."

"Done. See how easy that was? We really should do this more often."
*****

From What Do You Want, Angus Dorrigan?, sequel to

Twenty Uses for a Burnt-Out Light Bulb,

a non-existent novel by Allen Z'brain

Snazzy costume idea

Looking for something a bit different for your next costumed affair? How about this?
Pair an Abe Lincoln mask & top hat with a flannel shirt, jeans, boots, and a hatchet. Ta-da! You're a "Lincoln Logger"!

The party was going very well when the great conductor, Herr Murgenstrom, stepped to the mic with a guitar and began to play an uptempo blues version of B.B. King's "I've Got A Woman, Mean As She Can Be," but the lyrics were his own:

"Well, I swam into the smoke shop, just to use their butterfly,
"And I asked the parking meter why he made the watermelon cry.
"Brontosaurus, unicycle, smell another glass of pie."

"Well I always get a nosebleed when the weather is furry and green,
"So vote to muffler applesauce; the lightbulb gets the walrus clean.
"Flannel-coated asteroids spill pinecones in my Listerine."

"Banjo-wearing Democrats, Napoleon is made of cheese.
"Helium Bermuda shorts, the hairbrush waddles pekingese.
"The toaster needs a haircut, and her melancholy cannot sneeze."

"Drum solo!" he yelped, and from out of the shadows stepped a Sousaphone player and a banjo player, who launched into a jaunty polka rendition of "Did You Ever See A Lassie." After a verse and a chorus, Herr Murgenstrom returned to the mic for one more blues verse.

"Now this is a blues song that makes no sense at all,
"Except for that line. Wart hog, Eskimo, leaves in fall.
"Synchronized swimming, gravel, peanut butter, cell-phone call."

--From Twenty Uses for a Burnt-Out Light Bulb,
a non-existent novel by Allen Hickerson

New "Light Bulb" entry

“You can be so obnoxiously literal, sometimes!” she spat.
“I wasn’t aware that I required your permission, but thank you,” he replied. “I’ll certainly take you up on your offer!”

--From Twenty Uses for a Burnt-Out Light Bulb,

a non-existent novel by Allen Hickerson

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Also, this site has a pretty cool idea. They parcel out classic literature and email it to you in bite-size pieces, so that you can read, say, Moby Dick (Okay, "Moby Dick!"), in the course of 252 sessions! Ideal for those who have no time to sit down and read a great classic. Now, in just a few minutes a day, you can read Dickens, Dante, Austen, Shakespeare, et al on a daily or tri-weekly basis--or even just on weekdays, if you wish! Surely there's some service like that to get you through the Bible in a year, via email. (I'm certain there is--and stop calling me Shirley!)

Wisdom from a non-existent book

I created a series of email signatures that have become very popular among those who read them. They were quotations from a (so far) unpublished, nonexistent book. Feeling short on creativity today, I decided to share one of those with you. Perhaps others will follow.

* * * * *

"'Grandpa'? Is that a nickname?"
"Nope, it's my real name. 'Grandpa Phillips' is the actual name on my birth certificate! Apparently, when I was born, my mom said to my dad, 'Let's name the baby after your grandfather.' So they did. It was kinda' tough growing up. I mean, none of the other girls in my class had a name like 'Grandpa'!"

--From Twenty Uses for a Burnt-Out Light Bulb,

a non-existent novel by Allen Hickerson

* * * * *

And there you have it!

Listening to: Paquito D'Rivera, "Tropicana Nights"