A Few More Of My Favorite... Cynical Seasonal Songs

Classics, these:



-The 12 Pains of Christmas – Bob Rivers
Chances are, you’ve been hearing this on your radio station for years, but it never fails to make me smile. It’s a 12 Days of Christmas parody. My favorites? “Rigging up the lights,” “5 months of bills,” and a dead-on Archie Bunker impression with “Hangovehs.”


-Green Christmas – Stan Freberg
More of a skit than a song, Green Christmas paints Ebenezer Scrooge as president of a Mad Men-era ad agency. Every product must have a Christmas tie-in. Naturally, Bob Cratchitt objects. Many cute brief carol parodies ensue, including, “We wish you a merry Christmas, and please buy our beer!”


-Christmas Carol – Tom Lehrer
“On Christmas day, you can’t get sore. Your fellow man you must adore. There’s time to rob him all the more, the other three hundred and sixty-four!”
“Angels we have heard on high, tell us to go out and buy!”

Ingenious satire. Also, give a listen to his delightful “I’m Spending Hanukkah In Santa Monica.”


-Seventy-Seven Santas – Gayla Peevey (youtube)
Yes, THAT Gayla Peevey–the girl who wanted a hippo for Christmas. She counted 77 Santas around her town yesterday, and dreams of what it would be like if they ALL came down her chimney and each brought what she asked for. How sad for her parents that they only had one Santa Claus growing up! It’s the same sort of good-natured childhood innocence that made “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” a success.

Of course, the best-known cynical Christmas classic is “(No Place Like) Home For The Holidays” (From Atlantic to Pacific, Gee the traffic is terrific!)


Not quite so vintage, but a few new favorites:


-Christmas Griping – R.E.M.
Apparently, R.E.M. used to release special Christmas cuts for their fan club members. This is one of them. Thudding tribal-esque drums back members of the band waxing cynical about their least-favorite features of the holyday season. Most memorable is the “Boom-shaka-laka-laka, Ho-ho-ho” chant, which I have as my ringtone presently.

-Toy Packaging – Sara Groves
Gasp! A Christian singer with a cynical Christmas song. Pretty funny, actually, about a frustrated mom trying to get toys extracted from all the plastic, wire and zip-ties that packages most of them nowadays. "Nothing makes me lose my cool like toy packaging!"

These Are A Few Of My Favorite... Cynical Songs Of The Season

I know. I know. It’s Advent, and I’m not supposed to listen to Christmas music. This isn’t Christmas music. This is anti-commercialized-season music. This is music for Bah Humbugs.



-This Year’s Santa Baby – Eartha Kitt.

Everybody’s heard the original holiday greed classic, "Santa Baby." If you’ve only heard the one by Madonna or (eesh!) Kelly Pickler, you must go straightaway and hunt up the original! “This Year’s Santa Baby” is the same tune, and Eartha sexily purrs through her latest shopping list, because everything she got last year is either broken or out of style. Among her outrageous requests are “most of the Florida coast” and “the Queen Elizabeth.”
youtube   download mp3


-Christmas Can-Can – Straight No Chaser

From their second Christmas cd, "Christmas Cheers," the accapella group that made it big with their brilliant mash-up of the 12 Days of Christmas--with, among other things, Toto’s “Africa”-- knocks it out of the park again, highlighting the rush of the season, Christmas music overkill, and the exclusion of Chanukkah. And it’s really fun to listen to.
youtube
 
 
-Blue Xmas (To Whom It May Concern) – Miles Davis & Bob Dorough
 
Jazz great Miles Davis and Bob “Three is a Magic Number” Dorough: How can you go wrong? Lyrical gems include, “I hope you have a white one, but for me, it’s blue,” “It’s a time when the greedy give a dime to the needy,” and his intentional pronunciation of “Blue Exmas.” It’s on Miles Davis’ “Hipster’s Holiday” or you can listen to and download it here.

There's also a nice alternate take on Blue Note Records' "Yule Be Boppin'"


-Putting On A Play – Bunch of Believers


B.O.B. is (was?) a Christian ska band, but this song is very listenable for non-ska fans. It’s a good-natured poke at the annual Christmas pageant. Ever do one where everything goes wrong? “Whoever wrote, ‘No crying he makes’ never met this boy. Still, it’s hard to imagine Jesus holding on to a StarWars toy.”
youtube


Finally,


-Santa Claws – Barry Kooda & the Buckaneers

Imagine “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” as “Ghost Riders In The Sky.” A menacing minor-key rendition that makes "You'd better watch out, You'd better not cry," more of a eerie warning.
Listen / download

An Atheist's Christmas Song?

I was sitting in Starbucks last night with some friends. I was half-listening to the piped-in holiday music, including "Ocho Kandelas Para Mi" (a Spanish Hannukah tune.) Then, in the midst of all the sacred and secular seasonal songs (and the award for most-annoying S-alliteration goes to...), they played John Lennon's "Imagine"!

This is a holiday song? "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)," I could see, but "Imagine"?! Maybe you can consider it so, as a sort of atheistic call for peace on earth, goodwill t'ward men. However, I don't envision it appearing on my own holyday playlist.

Curmudgenously,
Allen's Brain

Monster-ous Blues Band, VIII

And finally, Vlad's verse

I’m a real vampire; I go
hunting every night.
I am not the kind that gets
sparkly in daylight!
Team Edward fans, you’d
better run in fright!

If you drink my blood, I’ll grant
you eternal life,
And if I think you’re cute, you can
be my vampire wife.
Just don’t serve me up a “stake”
with a silver knife!

It’s tough to be a monster!
Yeah, it’s hard in every land!
So I got my fiends together.
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

Monster-ous Blues, VII

Frankie's verse

You don't like my looks, and
you sure don't want a kiss?
You can blame the doc, Frankenstein
made me like this!
You can call me Frank, but my
wife just calls me "Hiss!"

Well, I'm kinda' shy; giant
crowds are just the pits!
And mobs, pitchforks, and
torches give me fits!
When these blues are done, can
we do "Puttin' On The Ritz"?

Oh, it's tough to be a monster!
Electric bill's a hundred grand!
So I got my fiends together,
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

The Monster-ous Blues Band, VI

Larry’s verse


I’m a decent guy when the
sun is shining bright,
But I become a wolf when the
moon is full at night!
Don’t be fooled: My bark is
NOT worse than my bite!

Got a silver bullet or a
silver wolf’s head cane?
When you bury me, pack my
coffin with wolfsbane!
And do not disturb, or I’ll
be on the hunt again.

Ooow-OOOOOO!

Oh, it’s tough to be a monster!
Say, let me see your hand.
So I got my fiends together.
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!



Larry loves fellow pianists, Ray Charles & Elton John

The Monster-ous Blues Band, V

Kong's verse

My name is Kong,
I am king of all I see!
I’m a 50 foot ape,
so don’t mess around with me!
Gonna’ see the Big Apple,
though bananas are more for me.

In the Empire State,
my fame surely increased!
I grabbed the blonde, climbed a building,
looking for our wedding feast.
It was prob’ly the fall, but they said,
“Beauty killed the Beast.”

Oh it’s tough to be a monster.
Man! Those New York traffic jams!
So I got my fiends together,
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

Sorry! We don't have any sunglasses your size!

Monster-ous Blues Band, IV

Prof Griffin's verse

I'm Professor Griffin,
disappearing is my game.
But my formula's ingredients
have made me quite insane.
So I'll kill a few people, and then
maybe wreck a train.

Well you may find my actions
indefensible.
But I'm not worried, because
I'm invincible.
Ouch! Someone shot me; I'm no
longer invisible!

Oh, it's tough to be a monster,
And stupid people foil your plans!
So I got my fiends together.
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

Griffin plays an invisible instrument & won't tell us what it is!

Monsterous Blues Band, III

The Gill-Man's verse

I don't really have a name;
maybe that explains my rage.
Or I'm emotionally-stunted 'cause
I'm from the Devonian Age.
But I tell you, you'll be sorry
if you put me in a cage!

I got gills and scales, so
you think we're not the same.
But I am a romantic, and
I really love each dame!
I want to take 'em "black" to the
"lagoon" from which I came!

Oh, it's tough to be a monster,
When you have webbed claws for hands,
So I got my fiends together,
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

Gill-Man on bongos!

The Monster-ous Blues Band, II

The Mummy’s Verse

Mm-Mph-Muh-Mph-Mff!

(Then, after he loosens the bandage over his mouth:)

Kharis is my name,
I’m not Imhotep, you see.
I’m wrapped up and pickled,
and survive on tanna leaf tea.
Between the priest and archaeologists,
there’s just no rest for me!

My right arm is crippled, but
my left one is intact.
And I have poor depth perception,
because my right eye I lack!
But I would feel complete
if I had my Ananka back!

Oh it’s tough to be a monster!
Shufflin' 'cross the desert sand.
So I got my fiends together.
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

The Monster-ous Blues Band

Erik's Verse

Well, my name is Erik,

and I'm in love with Christine,

So I took her to the cellar;
tried to teach her how to sing,
But I had to wear a mask,

'cause may face would make her scream!

Oh, the opera proprietors
won't do as they are told!
They refused to put Christine
in the opera's leading role!
So I dropped the chandelier on them

to soothe my tortured soul!

Oh it's tough to be a monster!

No one can understand!
So I got my friends together.
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

Assorted stuff

Vote for me in the Eek! comic caption contest, or for someone else, whose caption you think is funnier.
You may have to "like" Eek! comics first. I'm not sure.

OR add your own funny caption, garner the most "likes," and win. (Same link as above.)
*****

The Beastie Boys have a new album out. In it, they are passionate about pacifism. They've remixed their biggest hit, so that it now goes something like, "You've got to fight--for the right--to not fight--for the right--to parrrrr-tay!"
*****

I was in a Barnes & Noble/Starbucks cafe yesterday. They some new piece of equipment that looked pretty cool. I think it was some sort of oven, actually. I told the girl at the counter that I was admiring the new machinery, and then placed my usual order: Venti, iced back coffee.

"Do you want cream with that?" she asked, automatically, of the dork whose eyes were still looking past her at the big black cube with buttons and glowing display screens.

I glanced her way, "No, thank you. Just black please." So very cool, and high-tech, and gadget-y!

"It makes everything taste better," the barista commented.

"No. I prefer it black. Thanks," I replied.

"Oh! No! I wasn't telling you how to have your drink!" she said.

'Twas then I realized she had been talking about the oven.  Had a good laugh about that.

And the Christmas song parody of the moment is...

"There's Fleas On My Dog"
Based on Jose Feliciano's ubiquitous tune, "Feliz Navidad." I've been singing it:

There's fleas on my dog.
There's fleas on my dog.
There's fleas on my dog.
They make him itch, and he scratches them off.

No chorus yet, but frankly, this song is empty enough without parody. How is it really that different from "We Wish You A Merry Christmas"?

I'm saddened that Jose can't bring himself to actually wish me a Merry Christmas from the bottom of his heart! He wants to--he really does--but he just can't.  He just doesn't like me that well.

I want to wish you a Merry Christmas,
But I can't stand you! I really hate you!
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas
From the bottom of my heart (but I can't.)
[repeat]

Actually, I'm quite fond of Larry the Cucumber's version of that song. (Yup, Veggie Tales!) There's a tuba solo in the middle that briefly dissolves into "The Chicken Dance." Genius!

You probably can find it free online someplace.
try this.

"Silhouette Sessions" for the Sacred Season?

Readers here at the brain lab may recall my posting of John Rydgren's "Silhouette Sessions," a record of radio clips created to reach out to 1960s youth.

I have since discovered more of Rydgren's work--also free to download. This time, it's his meditations on 10 Christmas carols. Though the background music is more MUZAK-y, Rydgren is still his groovy self. Check out "Thoughts On the Carols."

Also on that page are links to work he did on the topics of Lent and Easter.

Enjoy!

Or don't. I believe in free will.

A Vintage Halloween Music Treat

Dick Jacobs & His Orchestra - Themes From Horror Movies

This novelty record from '59 (I believe) contains thrilling monster-movie music from "Creature from the Black Lagoon," "Son of Dracula," "Tarantula," "This Island Earth" et al, occasionally with "creepy" sound effects (like rattling chains) tossed in. It's a novelty record--not a soundtrack.

Humorous introductions to each are given by Bob McFadden (aka Rod McKeuen) doing his Lugosi, Karloff & Lorre impressions.

Freely downloadable, thanks to WMFU.org!

Enjoy!

Halloween-esque Playlist: Love is Magical

I was poking around through my music, with a view to compiling a CD for Halloween. I was struck by how many mainstream popular songs depict love and romance in terms of magic and witchcraft! Here's what I have so far:

-Witchcraft - Frank Sinatra ("Those fingers in my hair": with or without a hand attached?)
-That Old Black Magic - Tony Bennett (there's a nice live version of this on "The Essential Dave Brubeck")
-Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered - Mel Torme (or your favorite crooner)
-I Got My Mojo Workin' - Muddy Waters (a "mojo" is a sort of voodoo love charm, as it turns out)
-Bewitched - Steve Lawrence (the theme song to the show of the same name, with lyrics!)
-I Put A Spell On You - Screamin' Jay Hawkins (Man! I'd hate to have this guy as my stalker!)
-Love Potion Number Nine - The Searchers (not quite love, but not that far off, either!)
-You Made Me Love You - Al Jolson (I didn't want to do it...)
-It's Witchery - Charlie Spivak Orchestra, w/vocal by Tommy Mercer (great, rarely-heard oldie!)
-My Friend the Witch Doctor - Dave Seville (more unrequited love, but fun! "Mojo Workin'" with chipmunks!)

And on the "maybe" list:
-Black Magic Woman - Carlos Santana ( Is it really about love? Who cares? The guitar work is amazing!)
-Witchy Woman - The Eagles

Zombie rag doll @ Barnes & Noble. Coffee mug-sized doll on the left.

Add your suggestions and faves in the comment box!

If idle hands are the devil's playground...

... then what of the bored brain?

In a moment of nostalgia, Allen's Brain remembers the days when he helped pay for his college education by washing dishes in the college cafeteria. Anyone who has held this position knows how little mental activity is required for the job.

So, the idle brain turned to musical parody. In this case, it was a parody of the famous "Do Re Mi" song from "The Sound of Music." Many versions have been composed, I'd imagine*. Mine went like this:

Do - The stuff they make bread with.
Re - A dead Egyptian god.
Mi - The end of some Greek verbs.
Fa - The first half of "facade."
So - To throw seeds in the dirt.
La - I cannot sing a note.**
Ti - The last letter in "Bert."
Which brings us back to "Doh!"***

I never said it was good...
----------
*My favorite is the beer version, in which nearly every line ends with the word "beer." Okay, fine!
"Do, the stuff that buys me beer. Re, the guy that sells me beer. Me, the guy that drinks the beer. Fa, a long way from the can. So, I'll have another beer. La, I'll have another beer, Ti, No thanks, I'm having beer. Which brings us back to Do" (though I thought the line could be improved by Homer Simpson singing "back to Moe's.")
**This line sounds best when you can crack your voice like a 13-year-old boy on the word "note."
***As in Homer Simpson's favorite interjection. At the time, I had never seen "The Simpsons," but enough guys parroted the trademark sentiment that I was familiar with it--even if I didn't know the source.

Cheeriest Music to Stick in My Atomically-Enhanced Brain Today

If you haven't heard this, you simply must. Postal Workers Canelling Stamps at University of Ghana Post Office. Put's a smile on your face (if you have one) and a spring in your step... or lurch... or whatever.

Melvin tackles the Temptations in the Wilderness: Redaction

In an unprecedented textual/critical event, translators of the so-called Melvin Gospel have unearthed a redaction* of the previous Melvinic narrative**.

What makes this edit especially poignant is that it appears on the immediately following page in the codex***! Scholars are calling this redactor AB, after the blogger whose posts have publicized the codex's contents.

Here is the complete authorized translation of the redacted text:

Melvin had always hated Motown, so when he was finally able to convince the Temptations to give a concert in the Judean desert, it was a great victory in his ongoing battle plan for the music's eradication.
----------
*A rewrite or edit of a given text.
**The story of Christ's temptations in the desert.
***A book with the pages all stitched at one end and bound, often with a cover, much like our modern books--as opposed to a scroll.

Must read/sing at Ironic Catholic

A new Hanukkah song has been born, and a whooping, hollering, hootenanny of a song it is, too!
Thank God I'm A Maccabee! And Thank God there's an IC!