"13th of Adar" (Reprise)
They hanged Haman (Boo!) on gallows meant for Mordecai the Jew,
Who received the villain's house and office, too.
Xerxes then decreed the Jews fight back and loot their enemies,
And the date for this is surely known to you!
It was the 13th of Adar!
It was the 13th of Adar!
Purim's on 14th of Adar,
For the lot was cast, yet God did save them there!
And so it was that they all lived happily ever after, except for the household of Haman, who stopped living entirely. Since that time, every 14th of Adar, the Jews celebrate the events of the book of Esther in a holiday called Purim, which means "lots" or "dice," because the date Haman chose by casting lots became the day when God delivered his people!
Every Purim, they retell the story of Esther--often with much silliness. There's feasting and drinking; sending gifts of food to the poor; and the eating of triangular cookies called Hamentashen, or "Haman's ears" and small chocolate rabbits called "Esther bunnies."
Showing posts with label Purim. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Purim. Show all posts
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Purim 2013, "And Humble Pie for Dessert"
Just then, the king's servants arrived to take Haman to the Esther's second banquet.
And Humble Pie for Dessert
(Amazing Grace)
The food was great, and all enjoyed
The meal on which they dined.
The king spoke up, "Now Esther, Dear,
Tell me what's on your mind."
The queen replied, "Here's what I want.
"My life please grant to me.
"We have been sold to be destroyed,
"I and my family."
"Who dares do this?" Xerxes inquired,
"Tell me the villain's name, an'
"I'll have his head!" The queen replied,
"The enemy is Haman!"
One more song to go!
And Humble Pie for Dessert
(Amazing Grace)
The food was great, and all enjoyed
The meal on which they dined.
The king spoke up, "Now Esther, Dear,
Tell me what's on your mind."
The queen replied, "Here's what I want.
"My life please grant to me.
"We have been sold to be destroyed,
"I and my family."
"Who dares do this?" Xerxes inquired,
"Tell me the villain's name, an'
"I'll have his head!" The queen replied,
"The enemy is Haman!"
One more song to go!
Purim 2013, "Yankee Haman"?
(tune: "Yankee Doodle")
Xerxes could not sleep that night, perhaps because of heartburn.
Bedtime stories didn't help, because of what the king learned.
Mordecai had saved his life from assassination,
And they never paid him back with honor or position!
"Is there anyone around?" the king asked. "Here is Haman."
T' ask that Mordecai be hung's the reason that he came in.
Haman, (Boo!) I need your help! Your advice I wanna.
What is to be done for one the king delights to honor?
Th' villain had an ego boost, "Of course, the king means ME."
"Dress that man in royal robes, and on a royal steed,
"Let a prince lead him around, and proclaim aloud,
" 'This is what is done for one of which the king is proud!' "
Xexes said, "I love that plan! That's just what I will do!
"Go now and do that very thing for Mordecai the Jew!"
Haman (boo!) did all of that, then to his wife bleated.
She said, "Mordecai's a Jew. They cannot be defeated."
Pray, continue this nonsense!
Xerxes could not sleep that night, perhaps because of heartburn.
Bedtime stories didn't help, because of what the king learned.
Mordecai had saved his life from assassination,
And they never paid him back with honor or position!
"Is there anyone around?" the king asked. "Here is Haman."
T' ask that Mordecai be hung's the reason that he came in.
Haman, (Boo!) I need your help! Your advice I wanna.
What is to be done for one the king delights to honor?
Th' villain had an ego boost, "Of course, the king means ME."
"Dress that man in royal robes, and on a royal steed,
"Let a prince lead him around, and proclaim aloud,
" 'This is what is done for one of which the king is proud!' "
Xexes said, "I love that plan! That's just what I will do!
"Go now and do that very thing for Mordecai the Jew!"
Haman (boo!) did all of that, then to his wife bleated.
She said, "Mordecai's a Jew. They cannot be defeated."
Pray, continue this nonsense!
Purim 2013, "Joy to Haman"
And so, emboldened with fasting and prayer, Esther went to see the king and plead for the lives of her people, the Jews. The king was pleased to see her, and extended his golden scepter to her. Perfect! And now to talk to the king about his decree!
"I've prepared a banquet, Your Majesty, and I've come to invite you and Haman to it." (That she risked her life to do this may say something about her cooking.)
"A whole banquet, just for the three of us?" asked the king.
"I'm pretty hungry," Esther said. "I haven't eaten in three days."
To which the king replied, "Oh. Is that one of those new diets that's supposed to lengthen your life?"
"Something like that," she said.
After dinner that night, King Xerxes asked the queen what she really wanted.
"Your Highness, I have a matter of utmost importance to speak with you about. Come to dinner tomorrow night -- just you and Haman"
"Joy to Haman"
(tune: "Joy to the World")
Joy to Haman! His world seems bright! He'd just dined with the king!
And then he saw old Mordecai, who wouldn't pay him any mind.
Which spoiled his evening. Which spoiled his evening.
Which spoiled, which spoiled his evening.
"Zeresh, my wife," said vile Haman, "My life with joy abounds."
"I'm wealthy and I have ten sons! Promoted over everyone!
"But still I wear a frown. Mordecai will not bow down.
"How can I enjoy my life when he's around?"
Zeresh replied, "Don't let that guy be such a thorn in your bonnet!
Have a gallows built so big and tall, that no one can miss it at all,
And have him hanged upon it. And have him hanged upon it.
And have him, and have him hanged upon it!
Next!
"I've prepared a banquet, Your Majesty, and I've come to invite you and Haman to it." (That she risked her life to do this may say something about her cooking.)
"A whole banquet, just for the three of us?" asked the king.
"I'm pretty hungry," Esther said. "I haven't eaten in three days."
To which the king replied, "Oh. Is that one of those new diets that's supposed to lengthen your life?"
"Something like that," she said.
After dinner that night, King Xerxes asked the queen what she really wanted.
"Your Highness, I have a matter of utmost importance to speak with you about. Come to dinner tomorrow night -- just you and Haman"
"Joy to Haman"
(tune: "Joy to the World")
Joy to Haman! His world seems bright! He'd just dined with the king!
And then he saw old Mordecai, who wouldn't pay him any mind.
Which spoiled his evening. Which spoiled his evening.
Which spoiled, which spoiled his evening.
"Zeresh, my wife," said vile Haman, "My life with joy abounds."
"I'm wealthy and I have ten sons! Promoted over everyone!
"But still I wear a frown. Mordecai will not bow down.
"How can I enjoy my life when he's around?"
Zeresh replied, "Don't let that guy be such a thorn in your bonnet!
Have a gallows built so big and tall, that no one can miss it at all,
And have him hanged upon it. And have him hanged upon it.
And have him, and have him hanged upon it!
Next!
Purim 2013, "You Must Tell Xerxes"
When the official announcement about the Adar 13th genocide was posted, Jews everywhere became mourning people--even in the afternoon! Mordecai himself went about the streets wailing loudly with a paper bag on his head. When Esther asked why, Mordecai told her he was grieving, and so he was dressed in sackcloth. Mordecai sent Esther a copy of the royal edit, and so began an exchange of messages between them.
"You Must Tell Xerxes"
(tune: "I Must Tell Jesus")
Mordecai:
You must tell Xerxes to change the edict.
He must revoke this senseless decree.
Plead for your people. He'll listen to you.
On pins and needles, Uncle Mordy.
You must tell Xerxes, You must tell Xerxes,
Plead for his mercy, and, maybe, cry.
Esther, if you don't go and see Xerxes,
We are in trouble. We're gonna die!
Esther:
Mordecai, you don't know how things work here.
You don't just barge in to see the king.
If I do that, he likely will kill me,
So, you see, I can't do anything.
I can't tell Xerxes, I can't go see him!
It's been a month since he called his wife!
But if he holds out his golden scepter,
When I see Xerxes, he'll spare my life.
Mordecai:
Esther, I know you live in the palace,
But when that day comes, you will die, too.
If you stay silent, Help will come later,
But all our fam'ly will die with you!
You must see Xerxes! You must see Xerxes!
Beg him to stop this horrible crime!
Perhaps you've been placed in this position,
So you can help us in such a time!
Esther:
Gather all Jews who live in the city,
Let us all fast for 3 days and nights
When it is done I'll go and see Xerxes,
And if he kills me, at least I tried.
I'll go see Xerxes, I'll go Xerxes,
Plead for his mercy, and, maybe, cry.
Though it's illegal, I will go to him.
I'll do my best. If I die, I die.
More Purim parodies lie ahead.
"You Must Tell Xerxes"
(tune: "I Must Tell Jesus")
Mordecai:
You must tell Xerxes to change the edict.
He must revoke this senseless decree.
Plead for your people. He'll listen to you.
On pins and needles, Uncle Mordy.
You must tell Xerxes, You must tell Xerxes,
Plead for his mercy, and, maybe, cry.
Esther, if you don't go and see Xerxes,
We are in trouble. We're gonna die!
Esther:
Mordecai, you don't know how things work here.
You don't just barge in to see the king.
If I do that, he likely will kill me,
So, you see, I can't do anything.
I can't tell Xerxes, I can't go see him!
It's been a month since he called his wife!
But if he holds out his golden scepter,
When I see Xerxes, he'll spare my life.
Mordecai:
Esther, I know you live in the palace,
But when that day comes, you will die, too.
If you stay silent, Help will come later,
But all our fam'ly will die with you!
You must see Xerxes! You must see Xerxes!
Beg him to stop this horrible crime!
Perhaps you've been placed in this position,
So you can help us in such a time!
Esther:
Gather all Jews who live in the city,
Let us all fast for 3 days and nights
When it is done I'll go and see Xerxes,
And if he kills me, at least I tried.
I'll go see Xerxes, I'll go Xerxes,
Plead for his mercy, and, maybe, cry.
Though it's illegal, I will go to him.
I'll do my best. If I die, I die.
More Purim parodies lie ahead.
Purim 2013, Haman's Song
Haman's Song
"And He Rolled 13th of Adar"
(tune: "When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder")
I just have no use for Mordecai, who will not bow to me,
For such flagrant disrespect I do not care!
So I'll cast the lot to pick a day to kill his family,
And his fellow Jewish people I won't spare.
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar
As the day to kill all Jews and take their stuff.
I must go at one to Xerxes with my angry diatribe,
And suggest that he decree we kill all Jews.
To make sure that this will happen I will offer him a bribe.
And I've rolled the dice to see which day to choose.
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar
As the day to kill all Jews and take their stuff.
Continue the story.
"And He Rolled 13th of Adar"
(tune: "When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder")
I just have no use for Mordecai, who will not bow to me,
For such flagrant disrespect I do not care!
So I'll cast the lot to pick a day to kill his family,
And his fellow Jewish people I won't spare.
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar
As the day to kill all Jews and take their stuff.
I must go at one to Xerxes with my angry diatribe,
And suggest that he decree we kill all Jews.
To make sure that this will happen I will offer him a bribe.
And I've rolled the dice to see which day to choose.
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar
As the day to kill all Jews and take their stuff.
Continue the story.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Purim 2013, "Mordecai, He's The Guy"
"Mordecai, He's The Guy"
(tune: "Near the Cross")
There was once a righteous Jew,
In the town of Susa,
He had raised his cousin, who
Had the name, Hadassah
Mordecai, he's the guy,
From the tribe of Benjamin.
Naturally, an enemy,
To the villain, Haman.(Boo!)
H'dassah, which means "myrtle tree,"
Also went by "Esther,"
For she was so beautiful.
No one would have guessed-er
That she, too, was a Jew,
When she joined the contest
For the fairest in the land,
Who'd be named "Her Highness."
Esther was soon made the queen,
Of the Persian nation,
And with help from Mordecai,
Stopped an assassination.
Two did plot, but got caught,
Thanks to Mordecai-i!
Xerxes never thanked him,
But we don't know why-y.
Xerxes honored Haman (Boo!)
With a huge promotion.
Made him second in command--
What a crazy notion--
And so now, all must bow.
Mordecai refu-used,
Haman (Boo!) soon sought to,
De-stroy all the Jew-ews.
Next Purim parody, please.
(tune: "Near the Cross")
There was once a righteous Jew,
In the town of Susa,
He had raised his cousin, who
Had the name, Hadassah
Mordecai, he's the guy,
From the tribe of Benjamin.
Naturally, an enemy,
To the villain, Haman.(Boo!)
H'dassah, which means "myrtle tree,"
Also went by "Esther,"
For she was so beautiful.
No one would have guessed-er
That she, too, was a Jew,
When she joined the contest
For the fairest in the land,
Who'd be named "Her Highness."
Esther was soon made the queen,
Of the Persian nation,
And with help from Mordecai,
Stopped an assassination.
Two did plot, but got caught,
Thanks to Mordecai-i!
Xerxes never thanked him,
But we don't know why-y.
Xerxes honored Haman (Boo!)
With a huge promotion.
Made him second in command--
What a crazy notion--
And so now, all must bow.
Mordecai refu-used,
Haman (Boo!) soon sought to,
De-stroy all the Jew-ews.
Next Purim parody, please.
Purim 2013, "Darling Vashti Mine"
If you have read my blog much over the years, you know I love the Jewish holiday of Purim, based on the book of Esther. Nearly every year, we have a comic re-telling of the story at Cornland C.C. I thought it'd be fun this year to include some song parodies for for all of us to sing.
Here's the first. My apologies.
*****
"Darling Vashti Mine"
(Tune of "Darling Clementine")
In the ancient Land of Persia,
Xerxes lived a life of ease,
Lots of gold and jewels and power,
And those week-long stag parties.
Oh the feasting, Oh the drinking,
Oh those lovely Persian wines!
Filling up those golden goblets,
Keep on drinking 'til you're blind!
Now Queen Vashti, she was lovely,
For her beauty was renowned.
Xerxes bade her come display her-
-self. "And wear the royal crown."
Vashti would not, Vashti could not.
She refused the king's command.
In his malice, from the palace,
Xerxes had Queen Vashti banned.
For the queen is a role model,
And as disobedient spouse,
All the wives will do as she did,
And no man will rule his house!
Oh My Darling, Oh My Darling,
Oh my Darling Vashti Mine,
You refused me, Now you lose me.
I'll replace you in no time!
On to the next Purim parody!
Here's the first. My apologies.
*****
"Darling Vashti Mine"
(Tune of "Darling Clementine")
In the ancient Land of Persia,
Xerxes lived a life of ease,
Lots of gold and jewels and power,
And those week-long stag parties.
Oh the feasting, Oh the drinking,
Oh those lovely Persian wines!
Filling up those golden goblets,
Keep on drinking 'til you're blind!
Now Queen Vashti, she was lovely,
For her beauty was renowned.
Xerxes bade her come display her-
-self. "And wear the royal crown."
Vashti would not, Vashti could not.
She refused the king's command.
In his malice, from the palace,
Xerxes had Queen Vashti banned.
For the queen is a role model,
And as disobedient spouse,
All the wives will do as she did,
And no man will rule his house!
Oh My Darling, Oh My Darling,
Oh my Darling Vashti Mine,
You refused me, Now you lose me.
I'll replace you in no time!
On to the next Purim parody!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Purim Morsels
I was recently asked to put together a script for a "dinner theater" version of the story of Esther that was used in Junior (5th & 6th grade) Bible camp Tuesday night--and I got to play Mordecai, too (with a Brooklynesque Yiddish accent, naturally. If you're familiar with VeggieTales, think Pa Grape.) Much of the later script was cribbed from previous shpiels, as is about half of Act 1. However, if you read my blog much, you'll probably appreciate the (I think) humorous repartee. Incidentally, it played well to that age group.
*****
*****
Prologue: Haman & Mordecai, center stage
Haman: (not friendly) Hello, Mordecai.
Mordecai: (cooly) Evening, Haman.
Haman: What? Aren’t you going to bow to me–the king’s favorite official?
Mordecai: Haman, as you know, I am a Jew. I bow to my God and to my king. No one else.
Haman: It is King Xerxes who has commanded it. Everyone else does it. Why not you?
Mordecai: (shrugs) I’m not everyone else.
Haman: Aha! So it IS true! You think you’re better than everyone else! You think you’re better than me!
Mordecai: Don’t take it personally. We Jews have a law against pork. With a name like HAMan, I can’t be too careful!
Haman: It’s pronounced "Haman," you uncultured son of a sheepherder!
Mordecai: Well, that IS true! Papa DID own a nice flock! And Grandpapa, as well! What about your ancestors, Haman? What did they do?
Haman: Never mind that! If you honor the king, you will obey his decrees! You must bow in my presence!
Mordecai: You’re bringing me presents?
Haman: Alright, I’ll make it easy for you. If you’re not going to bow, the least you could do is kiss my royal ring!
Mordecai: You want I should kiss your ring, Haman? Forget it! I wouldn’t even kiss your hat – and I LIKE your hat!
Haman: Mordecai, you MUST bow down to me, and show me proper respect!
Mordecai: Sorry, no can do!
Haman: And why not?
Mordecai: As I said, I’m Jewish. And we have a law against bowing down to idols. And when it comes to being idle, no one does it better than you!
Haman: Oho! So now I’m lazy?
Mordecai: If the pillow fits, Haman...
Haman: That’s it! I will make you pay for that! You–and your whole family!
Act 1:
Story teller:
Welcome, friends, to the exotic land of Persia. It is 470 B.C., And King Xerxes rules here in the capital city of Shushan. I believe you may have already met Mordecai. He is part of a large community of Jews who call Persia home, and he has gained a position as a palace official. King Xerxes has recently named Haman as his prime minister, given him a ring so that he can sign documents with the king’s royal seal, and commanded that everyone bow down when they greet Haman.
His majesty has lately taken a new bride. Esther is her name. She’s young, beautiful, charming–AND she’s the winner of the Miss Persia beauty pageant! Or, as we like to call it: "Who wants to marry a royal heir?" "The Bachelor: Royalty Edition." "Persian Bridal." What His Highness does NOT know, is that Esther isn’t really Persian–she’s Jewish! Her real name is Hadassah, and Mordecai is her uncle!
This is where the intrigue begins to thicken! Because Mordecai the Jew refuses to bow down to the prime minister, Haman has convinced the king to have all Jews destroyed. The royal decree has been published, and in less than a year, on the 13th day of the 12th month, every citizen of Persia has been granted the right to kill any Jews they know of, and take their possessions!
But try not to think about that, right now. Enjoy the king’s hospitality, while you can. Oh, and try not to make too much noise. His Majesty is trying to sleep.
Enter Xerxes in his pj’s.
Xerxes: Servant! I can’t sleep. I need a bedtime story. Bring out the royal record book.
Storyteller: Yes, your majesty. If that doesn’t put you to sleep, nothing will. Where did we leave off? Ah, here we are.
8:35 The royal breakfast is served. Toast and scrambled eggs with pomegranate juice. His highness found it "yummy" but pronounced the toast "a bit dry."
8:56 The royal breakfast dishes are taken away.
9:05 The palace cleaning crew begin sweeping and dusting.
Xerxes: Skip a bit, would you?
Storyteller: Very well.
10:00 Two people arrive to buy pet licenses for their Persian cats, "Fluffy" and "Mr Num-nums."
10:08 They leave with licenses in hand
10:35 The royal mid-day snack is interrupted by a woman paying her speeding ticket.
10:41 The royal mid-day snack continues. The apples and peanut butter are described by His Highness as "Awesomeness in my tummy."
Xerxes: It WAS really good.
Story: 10:59 Queen Esther bursts in to the throne room announcing a plot on his majesty’s life.
Xerxes: Wha?
Story: Yes. Two of the guards at the palace door, Bigthan and Teresh, were plotting to assassinate his majesty. The plot was uncovered by Mordecai the Jew, who managed to get word to the queen. The assassins were caught and hanged for their crimes.
Xerxes: Wow! So, Mordecai saved my life! What did I do to thank him?
Story: Let’s see... Nothing was done to thank him.
Xerxes: Nothing?
Story: (checks the book) Nothing.
Xerxes: Wow. We really should do something to thank him! What should we do...? Hmmm...
Story: Hmmm...
(looks over to side of the stage where Haman is) Oh! Haman is here!
Xerxes: Oh good! Come in, Haman!
Haman: (enters) Your Majesty, I have a plan–
Xerxes: That’s great! You’re always full of ideas! In fact, Haman, what should be done for someone that I want to honor?
Haman: Your Majesty, I’m flattered! Well, this is what I would do: dress me – er that man – in one of your royal robes. Set him on one of your horses. Put a crown on his head, and then have one of your most noble princes lead him through the city streets while shouting, ‘This is what is done for the man the king wants to honor!’ But that’s just off the top of my head.
Xerxes: I like it! Let’s do all of that! And Haman, YOU get to be the man...
Haman: Yes!
Xerxes: ... who leads the horse and makes the proclamation! Do all of that – for Mordecai the Jew!
Haman: What?
Xerxes: And Haman, don’t leave anything out!
Friday, March 09, 2012
Purim 2012 Shpiel links completed
You can now read the entire shpiel we plan on using Sunday.
Just click here to begin, and keep clicking the "Next" links at the end of each post.
Just click here to begin, and keep clicking the "Next" links at the end of each post.
PNN Headline News, Purim 2012
This is PNN, Persian News Network. Here are today’s headlines.
Haman the Agagite, prime minister of Persia is dead today. He was executed by impalement on the 75 foot gallows he’d had built for his enemy, Mordecai the Jew. He was charged with plotting the death of Queen Esther and her family. In the minutes before his death, the official complained of stabbing pains in his chest and abdomen.
In related news, Mordecai has been promoted to the office of prime minister.
As you know, the laws established by Median and Persian kings cannot be revoked, and King Xerxes today upheld that legal precedent. The Adar 13th Holocaust will continue on schedule. However, the king has issued a sort of counter decree, that Jews in every province take up arms and assemble on that same day to oppose all who would try to destroy them.
In the future, this date will be celebrated by Jews as Purim, which is Hebrew for “lots” or “dice” since Haman cast lots to pick Adar 13th as the date to destroy the Jews, but which instead became a great victory for the Jewish people. Celebrations will take the form of feasting and drinking, sending gifts of food to the poor, the eating of triangular cookies called Hamentashen, or “Haman’s ears” and small chocolate rabbits called “Esther bunnies.”
Haman the Agagite, prime minister of Persia is dead today. He was executed by impalement on the 75 foot gallows he’d had built for his enemy, Mordecai the Jew. He was charged with plotting the death of Queen Esther and her family. In the minutes before his death, the official complained of stabbing pains in his chest and abdomen.
In related news, Mordecai has been promoted to the office of prime minister.
As you know, the laws established by Median and Persian kings cannot be revoked, and King Xerxes today upheld that legal precedent. The Adar 13th Holocaust will continue on schedule. However, the king has issued a sort of counter decree, that Jews in every province take up arms and assemble on that same day to oppose all who would try to destroy them.
In the future, this date will be celebrated by Jews as Purim, which is Hebrew for “lots” or “dice” since Haman cast lots to pick Adar 13th as the date to destroy the Jews, but which instead became a great victory for the Jewish people. Celebrations will take the form of feasting and drinking, sending gifts of food to the poor, the eating of triangular cookies called Hamentashen, or “Haman’s ears” and small chocolate rabbits called “Esther bunnies.”
Folger's Crystals, Purim 2012
Esther: I’ve replaced our regular coffee with Folger’s Crystals. Let’s see who notices.
King: Wow, that meal was really good, Honey. And your coffee is good, as always.
Esther: Well, actually, that’s not my regular coffee. It’s Folger’s Crystals!
Haman: This is instant? I’d never have known! Just like that pizza we ate!
King: You mean the one that wasn’t delivery; it was DiGiorno? And how about that margarine?
Haman: I STILL can’t believe it’s not butter!
(They all laugh)
King: I wonder if there’s anything else that isn’t what it seems to be!
Esther: Well, remember how I wanted to ask you for something?
King: Of course.
Esther: Well, I want you to save my life and the lives of my people–because, you see, I’m Jewish!
Haman: (spit take)
King: What? Who would want to kill you and your family?!
Esther: (pointing) That. Wicked. Haman.
Haman: (another spit take)
King: You know, Haman. You’re always saying we should hang out more. I think YOU SHOULD!
*****
Next
King: Wow, that meal was really good, Honey. And your coffee is good, as always.
Esther: Well, actually, that’s not my regular coffee. It’s Folger’s Crystals!
Haman: This is instant? I’d never have known! Just like that pizza we ate!
King: You mean the one that wasn’t delivery; it was DiGiorno? And how about that margarine?
Haman: I STILL can’t believe it’s not butter!
(They all laugh)
King: I wonder if there’s anything else that isn’t what it seems to be!
Esther: Well, remember how I wanted to ask you for something?
King: Of course.
Esther: Well, I want you to save my life and the lives of my people–because, you see, I’m Jewish!
Haman: (spit take)
King: What? Who would want to kill you and your family?!
Esther: (pointing) That. Wicked. Haman.
Haman: (another spit take)
King: You know, Haman. You’re always saying we should hang out more. I think YOU SHOULD!
*****
Next
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Special Report 2, Purim 2012
This is Special Report, with Wolf Blitzkrieg!
Good day, Ladies and Gentlemen. A strange procession is currently taking place in the capitol city! As I speak to you, Mordecai the Jew is being led on horseback through the city streets, dressed in royal robes. The horse is apparently one of the king’s own choice steeds, and the man leading the horse is shouting, “This is what is done for the man the king delights to honor!” What is truly stunning about all of this, is that the man leading the horse and making the announcement is none other Prime Minister Haman!
We have known for some time that there was a great deal of ill will between Mordecai and Haman, so we contacted our sources inside the palace. You may remember some time back that Mordecai foiled an assassination plot against the king. Last night, the king decided to repay him. When he asked Haman what should be done to honor someone special, this is what the prime minister came up with. It seems likely that Haman was hoping that this procession would be bestowed upon him, and not his worst enemy.
Haman (entering): And that’s the last of the streets! Zeresh, my wife, you’ll never believe the day I’ve had!
Zeresh: And what did you expect? Your enemy Mordecai is Jewish! They always come out on top! Oh look! Here comes the limo to take you to the palace for dinner! Have a good time, Dear!
Wolf: You heard it here, folks. It has been a very trying day for Haman! In Shushan, I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg.
*****
Next
Good day, Ladies and Gentlemen. A strange procession is currently taking place in the capitol city! As I speak to you, Mordecai the Jew is being led on horseback through the city streets, dressed in royal robes. The horse is apparently one of the king’s own choice steeds, and the man leading the horse is shouting, “This is what is done for the man the king delights to honor!” What is truly stunning about all of this, is that the man leading the horse and making the announcement is none other Prime Minister Haman!
We have known for some time that there was a great deal of ill will between Mordecai and Haman, so we contacted our sources inside the palace. You may remember some time back that Mordecai foiled an assassination plot against the king. Last night, the king decided to repay him. When he asked Haman what should be done to honor someone special, this is what the prime minister came up with. It seems likely that Haman was hoping that this procession would be bestowed upon him, and not his worst enemy.
Haman (entering): And that’s the last of the streets! Zeresh, my wife, you’ll never believe the day I’ve had!
Zeresh: And what did you expect? Your enemy Mordecai is Jewish! They always come out on top! Oh look! Here comes the limo to take you to the palace for dinner! Have a good time, Dear!
Wolf: You heard it here, folks. It has been a very trying day for Haman! In Shushan, I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg.
*****
Next
Royal Bedtime Stories, Purim 2012
And now it’s time for Royal Bedtime Stories! That special time where we read from the palace records to help put tired kings into a deep, deep sleep!
Tonight, we’ll be reading the exciting story of Bigthan and Teresh!
Bigthan and Teresh, They guarded the door.
Bighthan and Teresh, the king did abhor.
They had a plot to put the king in his grave.
But they were caught by Mordecai the Brave.
Bigthan, he wept, and to Teresh he said,
“We shouldn’t have done that. That’s why we are dead!”
The end.
Nighty-Night, Your Majesty.
*****
Next
Tonight, we’ll be reading the exciting story of Bigthan and Teresh!
Bigthan and Teresh, They guarded the door.
Bighthan and Teresh, the king did abhor.
They had a plot to put the king in his grave.
But they were caught by Mordecai the Brave.
Bigthan, he wept, and to Teresh he said,
“We shouldn’t have done that. That’s why we are dead!”
The end.
Nighty-Night, Your Majesty.
*****
Next
Sandusky & Associates, Purim 2012
Have you been the recent victim of shame? Embarrassment? Humiliation?
Haman: It was the best AND worst day of my life. I had been to dinner with the king and queen, and invited to come back the next night. Then I ran into my enemy, Mordecai, and he still refused to bow to me. My wife advised that I have a 75-foot gallows built to hang Mordecai on. That’s when I called Sandusky & Associates.
Sandusky & Associates are expert builders of gallows and impaling pikes. Even if you have unrealistic expectations, we will go to work for you and guarantee your satisfaction. Just call 1-800-WE HANG U. That’s 1-800-WE HANG U. It won’t cost a shekel to see if we can help you realize your dreams of revenge!
*****
Next
Haman: It was the best AND worst day of my life. I had been to dinner with the king and queen, and invited to come back the next night. Then I ran into my enemy, Mordecai, and he still refused to bow to me. My wife advised that I have a 75-foot gallows built to hang Mordecai on. That’s when I called Sandusky & Associates.
Sandusky & Associates are expert builders of gallows and impaling pikes. Even if you have unrealistic expectations, we will go to work for you and guarantee your satisfaction. Just call 1-800-WE HANG U. That’s 1-800-WE HANG U. It won’t cost a shekel to see if we can help you realize your dreams of revenge!
*****
Next
Special Report, Purim 2012
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this very special report!
I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg, here at the palace in Shushan, where Queen Esther has just OUTRAGEOUSLY broken with royal protocol! Now, as we all know, you don’t barge in to the oval office unannounced and uninvited. That’s a surefire way to lose your life!
However, ignoring all that risk, the queen has done precisely that! Just a few moments ago, Esther marched into the throne room, intent on speaking to the king. You folks at home may remember from Civics class that all is not necessarily lost for the queen. There IS a stipulation–a loophole, if you will--that if you approach the king uninvited, but he extends his royal scepter to you, you are permitted to speak with him. Otherwise, it’s all over for Her Highness.
Let’s watch.
There’s the king, on his throne, and the queen is approaching now. Will she be executed for her breach of protocol? No, the king seems happy to see her. He has extended the golden scepter towards the queen. No, wait! That’s not the royal scepter! It’s--a rubber chicken! Is this some kind of joke? Wait, the king is about to speak.
King: Rise, Queen Esther! Sorry about the chicken. The golden scepter is at the royal polisher. You look great, by the way! Have you lost weight?
Esther: Thank you. I haven’t eaten anything in three days.
King: Oh. So... What is your request, My Queen?
Esther: Ummmm... I’ve just finished cooking a scrumptious meal. Why don’t you and Haman come over for dinner?
King: Sounds good to me!
Wolf: Well, there you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is a very baffling conclusion to what began so dramatically. It seems that the queen broke all the rules of palace decorum just to tell her husband that dinner was ready! I’ll be here the rest of the day, to report to you if anything exciting or unusual comes out of this. I can’t imagine what it would be, though.
From Palace Hill, I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg.
*****
Next
I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg, here at the palace in Shushan, where Queen Esther has just OUTRAGEOUSLY broken with royal protocol! Now, as we all know, you don’t barge in to the oval office unannounced and uninvited. That’s a surefire way to lose your life!
However, ignoring all that risk, the queen has done precisely that! Just a few moments ago, Esther marched into the throne room, intent on speaking to the king. You folks at home may remember from Civics class that all is not necessarily lost for the queen. There IS a stipulation–a loophole, if you will--that if you approach the king uninvited, but he extends his royal scepter to you, you are permitted to speak with him. Otherwise, it’s all over for Her Highness.
Let’s watch.
There’s the king, on his throne, and the queen is approaching now. Will she be executed for her breach of protocol? No, the king seems happy to see her. He has extended the golden scepter towards the queen. No, wait! That’s not the royal scepter! It’s--a rubber chicken! Is this some kind of joke? Wait, the king is about to speak.
King: Rise, Queen Esther! Sorry about the chicken. The golden scepter is at the royal polisher. You look great, by the way! Have you lost weight?
Esther: Thank you. I haven’t eaten anything in three days.
King: Oh. So... What is your request, My Queen?
Esther: Ummmm... I’ve just finished cooking a scrumptious meal. Why don’t you and Haman come over for dinner?
King: Sounds good to me!
Wolf: Well, there you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is a very baffling conclusion to what began so dramatically. It seems that the queen broke all the rules of palace decorum just to tell her husband that dinner was ready! I’ll be here the rest of the day, to report to you if anything exciting or unusual comes out of this. I can’t imagine what it would be, though.
From Palace Hill, I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg.
*****
Next
"All God's Children" soap opera parody for Purim 2012
Narrator: We now return to “All God’s Children”:
(Mordecai is crying loudly, “We’re all gonna die!” “What’ll we do?” etc, while wearing a paper bag on/over his head)
Esther: Mordecai, what are you doing?
Mordecai: Can’t you see I’m in mourning?
Esther: But it’s 3 in the afternoon!
Mordecai: No! Not “morning”! “Mourning”!
Esther: I–still don’t understand.
Mordecai: I’m grieving! Can’t you see I’m wearing sackcloth? (Indicates paper bag)
Esther: Oh, I wondered about that. But what are you so upset about?
Mordecai: Haven’t you heard? I have less than a year to live! (Dramatic pause)
Esther: (gasp!)
Mordecai: We all do! Haman has convinced the king to have the Jews annihilated! Eradicated! Killed off, even!
Esther: That’s horrible! I wish there was something I could do!
Mordecai: There is. Esther, you’ve got to go to His Highness, and plead for mercy for our people!
Esther: I would, but–you don’t just go see Xerxes uninvited! He has to call YOU. And he executes unwelcome visitors!
Mordecai: But you’re his wife!
Esther: I know. But the truth is (sniff), our marriage hasn’t been going well. He hasn’t asked to see me in a month! I think there may be–another woman! (Covers face and sobs)
Mordecai: Esther, you have to try! If you don’t, God will still work out a way to save his people, but don’t think just because you live in the palace, you’ll be spared.
Esther: But I’ve followed your instructions. I never told anyone I’m Jewish!
Mordecai: Esther, you light Sabbath candles. You only eat kosher. Someone’s bound to figure it out eventually. Maybe you have come into your royal position for just such a time as this!
Esther: Okay, I’ll do it! But for the next three days, have all the Jews pray and go without food. Then I’ll go see the king. And if I die, I die.
Mordecai: Three days with no food? That’s a long time!
Esther: Don’t worry. It’ll be a FAST three days!
***
Narrator: Next time, on “All God’s Children”:
King: What is your request, My Queen?
Esther: Ummmm...
*****
Next
(Mordecai is crying loudly, “We’re all gonna die!” “What’ll we do?” etc, while wearing a paper bag on/over his head)
Esther: Mordecai, what are you doing?
Mordecai: Can’t you see I’m in mourning?
Esther: But it’s 3 in the afternoon!
Mordecai: No! Not “morning”! “Mourning”!
Esther: I–still don’t understand.
Mordecai: I’m grieving! Can’t you see I’m wearing sackcloth? (Indicates paper bag)
Esther: Oh, I wondered about that. But what are you so upset about?
Mordecai: Haven’t you heard? I have less than a year to live! (Dramatic pause)
Esther: (gasp!)
Mordecai: We all do! Haman has convinced the king to have the Jews annihilated! Eradicated! Killed off, even!
Esther: That’s horrible! I wish there was something I could do!
Mordecai: There is. Esther, you’ve got to go to His Highness, and plead for mercy for our people!
Esther: I would, but–you don’t just go see Xerxes uninvited! He has to call YOU. And he executes unwelcome visitors!
Mordecai: But you’re his wife!
Esther: I know. But the truth is (sniff), our marriage hasn’t been going well. He hasn’t asked to see me in a month! I think there may be–another woman! (Covers face and sobs)
Mordecai: Esther, you have to try! If you don’t, God will still work out a way to save his people, but don’t think just because you live in the palace, you’ll be spared.
Esther: But I’ve followed your instructions. I never told anyone I’m Jewish!
Mordecai: Esther, you light Sabbath candles. You only eat kosher. Someone’s bound to figure it out eventually. Maybe you have come into your royal position for just such a time as this!
Esther: Okay, I’ll do it! But for the next three days, have all the Jews pray and go without food. Then I’ll go see the king. And if I die, I die.
Mordecai: Three days with no food? That’s a long time!
Esther: Don’t worry. It’ll be a FAST three days!
***
Narrator: Next time, on “All God’s Children”:
King: What is your request, My Queen?
Esther: Ummmm...
*****
Next
Political Ad #2, Purim 2012
Some people just don’t get it!
Persia is a great nation. We have a king, laws, and customs. It’s what makes us the great nation that we are!
But the Jews don’t seem to understand that! They’re scattered throughout our great united provinces, trying to blend in, yet still be separate! They want us to think they’re Persians, but they have their OWN customs and laws. They’re willing to benefit from our nation’s prosperity, but they won’t obey the king’s decrees.
Hello, I’m Haman, and I approved this message. If Jews like Mordecai won’t obey Xerxes’ decree to bow down to me, what OTHER laws might they disregard? This 13th of Adar, show the Jews that you mean business–by killing them all and taking their stuff!
This ad paid for by Haman and the Committee to Annihilate the Jews.
*****
Next
Persia is a great nation. We have a king, laws, and customs. It’s what makes us the great nation that we are!
But the Jews don’t seem to understand that! They’re scattered throughout our great united provinces, trying to blend in, yet still be separate! They want us to think they’re Persians, but they have their OWN customs and laws. They’re willing to benefit from our nation’s prosperity, but they won’t obey the king’s decrees.
Hello, I’m Haman, and I approved this message. If Jews like Mordecai won’t obey Xerxes’ decree to bow down to me, what OTHER laws might they disregard? This 13th of Adar, show the Jews that you mean business–by killing them all and taking their stuff!
This ad paid for by Haman and the Committee to Annihilate the Jews.
*****
Next
Kit-Kat Commercial Parody, Purim 2012
Haman sings to the tune of “Gimme a Break (Kit-Kat Bar)”
Everyone bow!
Everyone bow!
(‘Cause) I have been promoted in the
King-dom now!
I am Haman!
I am Haman!
I have been promoted over
Eve-ry-one!
So...
Everyone bow!
Everyone bow!
(‘Cause) I have been promoted in the
King-dom now!
Haman: Oh, Mordecai.
Mordecai: What is it, Haman?
Haman: Did you hear about my promotion?
Mordecai: Of course.
Haman: Well?
Mordecai: What do you want? A Kit-Kat Bar?
Haman: No! You’re supposed to bow in my presence!
Mordecai: Forget it, Haman.
Mordecai sings:
I am a Jew.
Haman: Gesundheit!
Mordecai: No. I’m “a Jew.” I’m Jewish.
Haman: Oh, okay.
Mordecai sings:
I am a Jew.
(I) won’t bow to you.
(I’ll) bow to God and to the king (but)
Not to you!
Gimme a break,
You big ol’ fake!
Thinking I will bow is a
Big mi-stake!
*****
Next
Everyone bow!
Everyone bow!
(‘Cause) I have been promoted in the
King-dom now!
I am Haman!
I am Haman!
I have been promoted over
Eve-ry-one!
So...
Everyone bow!
Everyone bow!
(‘Cause) I have been promoted in the
King-dom now!
Haman: Oh, Mordecai.
Mordecai: What is it, Haman?
Haman: Did you hear about my promotion?
Mordecai: Of course.
Haman: Well?
Mordecai: What do you want? A Kit-Kat Bar?
Haman: No! You’re supposed to bow in my presence!
Mordecai: Forget it, Haman.
Mordecai sings:
I am a Jew.
Haman: Gesundheit!
Mordecai: No. I’m “a Jew.” I’m Jewish.
Haman: Oh, okay.
Mordecai sings:
I am a Jew.
(I) won’t bow to you.
(I’ll) bow to God and to the king (but)
Not to you!
Gimme a break,
You big ol’ fake!
Thinking I will bow is a
Big mi-stake!
*****
Next
More Headline News, Purim 2012
A crisis was narrowly averted today, as two plotting assassins were arrested before they could carry out their fiendish plot against the recently-wed King Achashverosh.
The conspirators, Bigthan and Teresh, were employed as security personnel at the palace entrance when their plot was uncovered. Law enforcement officials said the two men were disgruntled employees, but did not disclose the source of their anger. Failed salary negotiations may have played a part, but maybe they just hated their names. I mean, really! "Teresh"? "Bigthan"?
Officers were tipped off to the plot by Queen Esther herself, who credited her cousin Mordecai with the discovery. Mordecai's good deed was recorded in the king's book, "People I Should Thank Someday When I Get Around To It."
Brought up on charges of insurrection and attempted regicide, the two plotters were convicted and condemned to death by impalement. This was deemed an appropriate punishment for men who had been so stuck up in life.
*****
Next
The conspirators, Bigthan and Teresh, were employed as security personnel at the palace entrance when their plot was uncovered. Law enforcement officials said the two men were disgruntled employees, but did not disclose the source of their anger. Failed salary negotiations may have played a part, but maybe they just hated their names. I mean, really! "Teresh"? "Bigthan"?
Officers were tipped off to the plot by Queen Esther herself, who credited her cousin Mordecai with the discovery. Mordecai's good deed was recorded in the king's book, "People I Should Thank Someday When I Get Around To It."
Brought up on charges of insurrection and attempted regicide, the two plotters were convicted and condemned to death by impalement. This was deemed an appropriate punishment for men who had been so stuck up in life.
*****
Next
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
