Notes from a Bible Class Chalkboard

"You shall have no other gods before me!"
"Okay, but how many can we have behind you?"

"Moses was poisoned at Mt Cyanide, so he took two tablets."

Jesus said "If you love me, feed my sheep."
What he did not specify was to whom we were to feed them."
(this was accompanied by a badly-drawn bulging-eyed sheep clutched by a scaly claw)

If the church benefits from persecution, shouldn't we elect the most anti-Christian politicians we can find?
*****

And still they keep asking me to come back and teach!

Welcome to Jr Hi Bible students

A moderately-sized "Hello" to all of the enlightened young scholars in the Jr High Bible class at Springfield Christian School! I regularly confound you in the classroom, and now, thanks to the wonder of the Internet, I can befuddle you in the evenings and weekends from the relative safety of your own homes and computer terminals! There's a word for the special kind of madness that longs for such things, dear students, but I don't think I can spell it. I probably can't even pronounce it.

Since you're new here, you'll probably want to check out the Gospel According to Melvin. There will be a quiz on that next week. (Won't Mrs Shelton be surprised!)

Drop me a note in the appropriately-titled "comments" box. Tens and twenties are especially appreciated.

Now, 8th graders, how do you pronounce "Festus"?
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*Did I say "confound"? I meant "corrupt."

Become a substitute teacher! See new places! Celebrate holidays on the wrong day!

In a previous post, O Theophilus, I lamented being unable to celebrate Purim this year,because it falls on the Thursday evening before Good Friday (I'm sure there's a name for that day, but I flunked Christian calendar 301.)

Yesterday, substitute teaching for the Jr Hi Bible class, I got to celebrate Purim! The students had just finished studying the book of Esther (the central theme an origin of Purim,) and so they celebrated Purim on Tuesday. We had a Purim spiel, graggers (noisemakers) to help blot out the name of Haman, (BOO!) and hamentaschen from here.

We did not, however, engage in the traditional Purim practice of drinking until you can't tell righteous Mordecai from wicked Haman. They were 7th graders, after all, and we didn't really have enough wine in stock to get them blotto.

Lessons from Substitute Teaching

Well, just one, actually.

I was teaching Bible class this past Friday. The sixth graders had a memory work quiz to start with. The regular teacher's policy is that when they have completed their quiz, they may turn it over and draw on the back (among other things) while waiting for others to finish.

When one asked me what he should draw, I recalled that they were studying the ten commandments and replied, "Draw your favorite commandment." That sank into my gray matter for a moment before I fully considered the ramifications of such a comment.

"On second thought," I said, "let's not do that." There are, after all, a large number of negative commandments that you probably don't want jr high-ers endeavoring to draw.

Shammos the Red-Nosed Reindeer, or Here Comes Menorah Claus!

Eight tiny reindeer & a ninth helper reindeer that gives light to the others: How is this NOT a Chanukkah story?

I'm subbing Jr Hi Bible again today. Maybe we'll sing the dreidel song in study hall.

Read last year's post on the place of the menorah in Chanukkah.

Allen's Brain plays catch-up and then slithers away for the week

Greetings, Faithful Readers! (both of you)

I was teaching Jr Hi on Friday. With the already-shortened week, and three teachers out at once, they natives were wired for sound. So what could I do? I plugged some polka into them.

Anyway... Tomorrow's my sister's birthday, so I'm just taking the week off and spending the holiday with the various assembled family members.

This means no blogging here until probably Monday the 26th. Do try to cope.

Stray Dog, pt V

 This had gotten out of my control. “Out of my control”? Had it ever really been in my control? Oh sure, I’d enjoyed feeding Sin, but he’d always been the one in control. I answered to his whims. My cheek was cool where that thing had licked me. What if he ceased to be content with store-bought meat, and wanted something... more fresh? Would I be able to resist?

I contacted Animal Control. The officer who arrived–“Joshua,” according to his name badge--had apparently been doing this for quite some time. His hands and arms were scarred where he’d tangled with various creatures. Especially striking were the scars he bore on each wrist. I was about to ask him how he got them, when he nodded toward the porch.

“Is that him?” he asked. It was Sin, certainly, but he seemed to have shrugged off the rest his fur! As he stood there, naked in his pale grey skin like a lizard, every muscle twitch, every wrinkle now stood out with horrid clarity. He glared at the officer and snarled menacingly.

“I’ve scuffled with him before. He can be mean.”

Joshua approached Sin slowly. The thing stared intently back at him with that expression I knew so well. Joshua didn’t back down. Instead, he fixed his eyes on Sin’s and continued with slow steps toward him. Sin bared his teeth at the officer and barked. He raised his wings above his head and rattled them threateningly, but didn’t move from his place.

“We have collar and leash laws around here,” called Joshua. “Don’t worry, I brought one that’ll fit him just fine.”

Now within arms' reach of the animal, the officer produced a wide leather collar and fastened it around Sin’s neck. He went on growling, but he didn’t resist. Joshua attached a substantial chain to a large metal ring on the collar, and began to lead him, docile, from the porch. He stopped, and looked me in the eye.

“There’s an old proverb,” he said. “You do not feed the dragon you wish to slay. I strongly suggest that, in the future, you think twice about feeding strays.” He led Sin down the street, and they disappeared around the next corner.


That should be the end of the story, but it isn’t, quite. You see, sometimes, on those long quiet nights, when I hear the yipping of coyotes and dogs, I see Sin’s ugly, shaggy head in my mind’s eye, as he looked when he first appeared at my doorstep. I see those big dark eyes staring soulfully back at me, and I get the itch to go shopping for some nice juicy steaks. Then I resist the temptation and try to think of something else. I’m finding that prayer and meditation on Scripture seem to help, and each time I resist, it gets a little easier. I don’t know that the struggle will ever go away completely. I just know that never again do I want to be a servant to Sin.
*****

Sorry this last part is arriving so late. I was teaching 4th graders today.

Tomorrow's post late if ever

I'm teaching 5th graders tomorrow, so I may not get around to posting.

Be assured, though, things are churning on the back burner for the days ahead!

Allen's Brain Subbed While Rome Burned

As promised (threatened?), I shall tell you about my substitute teaching reign of terror yesterday.

I first taught the 11 am computer class, in which 8th grade boys created six-page power- point presentations on assigned delegates to the U.S. Constitutional Convention. Aside from occasional light reprimands for surfing Youtube instead of something like Encarta (Wikipedia was off-limits) for info on guys like Alexander Hamilton, it all went pretty smoothly.

I told you that I was supposed to teach math yesterday, which is about like Jimmy Dean leading a Passover Seder. When I got there, and told the fine ladies at the front desk that I was also subbing for math that day, they responded:

Woman 1: Oh, so you're filling in for Mr Schlubbley.

Me: He's upstairs, right?

Woman 1: Ri--

Woman 2: (interrupting) No, wait! He's subbing for Mrs Ming-the-Merciless! Honors Math!

Me: Oh my! No one told me it would be Honors Math!

Woman 2: Oh, you'll be alright! Here are your flying serpents to help keep order.

Well, that's not exactly what happened, and those aren't even close to the teachers' names, but I was teaching Honors Math! Fortunately, all I had to do was give a couple very long exams.

"Sure," I told the students, "You can ask me for help! I can't give you any, since I don't understand what I'm looking at, but you're welcome to ask."

And the winged serpents helped keep very good order.

If you're interested, the illustration came from a story in Secret Agent X Magazine, 1934, called "Fanged Fury." You can download a pdf of it by clicking here.

Friday's Child is Full of Questions

I'm subbing tomorrow (Friday the 11th). Jr Hi math. Yay. My worst subject in school, second only perhaps to P.E. or Recess.

If I survive, I'll tell you about it.

If I don't survive, yet I tell you about it, this blog will get a lot more interesting, metaphysically-speaking.

This is Madness!

So, after a long period of silence, I got a call this morning, and I'm subbing for the 5th graders this afternoon. Just from lunch on, so it shouldn't be too bad. I have no idea what I'll be teaching, but I may find that my life has suddenly become my own personal episode of "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?"

I don't know why they haven't called me in so long to be a substitute. Apparently, the threatening phone calls and plethora of emails reading "Please don't ask me to sub again!" were taken as signs of my unwillingness to teach. People are so touchy!

Watched the BBC version of "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" last night. It was coupled with a shortened "Prince Caspian" at the beginning, which I watched a week or so ago, and finally got around to watching "Dawn Treader." It wasn't awful, though I trust that the Disney Company will do a much more watchable version when they get to it. I'm gonna have to go back and look it up, because I don't remember the baptismal imagery in turning Eustace back into a boy that the Beeb's version had.

Get an exciting new career in substitute teaching!

I substituted for the Jr Hi Literature teacher, who was out deer hunting today with her husband. (Welcome to central IL!) Did I mention she's eight months pregnant? [shakes head in disbelief.]
We had 4 subs in the Jr Hi alone, that I know of. That's a lot on any given day, and the students get a bit cocky, thinking they can push the limits. Oh well. I had the trouble-makers killed. I have connections, you know, as a small rural town/ small rural church preacher!

Nah, it was a pretty good day. Just a bit long. The weather cleared up some and the kids were able to play outside a while. That helped.
I'm still their favorite sub. Or so they tell me, the little (probable) liars.

Random question on the chalkboard today: What would we call oranges if they were blue?
The correct answer is, of course, that we would call them oranges. They are named for the place they come from. "Orange" is first a place, then a fruit, and then a color.
A close second answer is that we would call them "sad oranges."

Whoosh!

Boy! It is nasty out there! Blustery! Wet! Cold! Needless exclamation point!
There's nothing like the wrath of winter to put the fear of God in ya! I heard plenty of people calling upon his name out there today.

Taught Bible today at Springfield Christian School 'til lunch, when the regular teacher returned. Those students who were disappointed that I wouldn't be teaching their class that afternoon were mollified at the news that I'd be teaching Lit all day Friday. As a substitute that only comes in occasionally, I've managed to maintain a moderate cool factor. Anyone who knows me well can testify that I'm fairly pleasant in small doses, but become grating over the long term.
Of course, the "cool factor" may just be the male teacher thing. The students seem to like the other guys who are there full-time. ("And why shouldn't they?" exclaim embittered feminists, "Men are just like children!"
The 7th graders have been watching "Jonah: A Veggie Tales Movie" the last several class sessions. Sure, it takes some liberties with the text (mostly silly side-story additions,) but at least they get the ending right!
Just as an experiment, the next time you're at a religious book store or some other place that has plenty of children's Bible story books, check out the books on the story of Jonah. Almost without fail, they will end with the repentance of the Ninevites and ignore Jonah's response, or they will assert that Jonah repents of his bad attitude. (i.e. "Jonah changed his mind. He was happy that God forgave the people.") The point of the book is that Jonah is angry about God's grace. As they sing at the end of "Jonah: AVTM": Jonah was a prophet, but he really never got it!" God, then, has the final word in the story, with the ending really being "How will you respond?" When Bob the Tomato asks, "Didn't Jonah learn anything?", the wisened pirate played by Pa Grape replies, "The real question is 'Did you?'"
It's the same with the story of the "prodigal son" in the New Testament. Oftimes we tell that the "lost" son returned home and there was great rejoicing, "Yay," and leave it there incomplete. As with Jonah, Jesus' parable ends with the older son angry about the grace and mercy shown the profligate by his father. And, as in the book of Jonah, the last word is in the mouth of God, pictured by the father. "He was lost but now he's found. He was dead, but now he's alive. We must rejoice." Finally, as with Jonah, the story ends with an implied question for the Pharisees and rabbis: "God is thrilled when the lost is found; why aren't you?"

Weekend Lock-ins & Cheap Costumes

I spent much of yesterday substitute teaching Bible class at Springfield Christian School. Talk about a cakewalk of a day! The eighth graders had "abstinence class," so they didn't have Bible that day. The seventh graders worked on a study sheet over a couple chapters of 2 Kings that took the whole class period. The sixth graders watched the second half of "Joseph: King of Dreams." Did I really even need to be there? Oh well. I'm getting paid for my time.

I'm headed down this afternoon to Literberry to help out with their highschool lock-in, and then probably back home to nap.

Because you don't want to be caught on Halloween without a costume, here is a practically no-budget solution! Extra points for showing up at your festive function dressed as me!

Listening to: a combination of falling rain, radio news (NPR), and "Ambient Egypt," by Douglas Irvine

Is this your favorite subject?

I was substitute teaching today. In a note from the regular teacher was a request that I mark in the lesson plan where I left off. "I usually try to give you more material than I think you can cover," she wrote. Excellent! We spent the class period setting up the historical background for Jesus' "cleansing" the temple in John 2. The class textbook laid out some of the details, but it was pretty bland. So, I warmed to the topic quickly, trying to give these 8th graders a real sense of the world that this is happening in, and why Jesus would have been angry!
One of my students raised her hand to ask me, "Is this your favorite subject?"
It isn't, necessarily, my favorite event or text, but I wanted to make this live, like a good history prof tries to make the section they're teaching come to life!

One of my students told me today that he had heard an explanation of a Biblical text with which I was entirely unfamiliar. So, I got home and started digging around for someone who expressed this point of view, and find out where they got it. One site I looked into insisted that this text was filled with Hebrew "idiotisms" and "idiotic expressions." I shook my head, dumbfounded. It's times like this that I can understand people associating Christianity with ignorance and lack of education. I sent him a nice email suggesting that he meant "idioms" and "idiomatic expressions." Maybe his spell check was to blame.
I never did find any reference to the student's seemingly bogus explanation.