Review of "The Amazing, Fantastic, Stupendously Ugly Christmas Sweater"

    “The best Christmas gift I ever received,” said my Grandpa Arnie, “was the amazing, fantastic, stupendously ugly Christmas sweater. Boy, was it horrendous! Best thing I ever got!

    “My sister, Beulah, made it for me. She was two years older than I was, and was just learning to knit. After she’d knitted about a dozen scarves, she thought it was time to move on to a sweater, I guess. The funny thing about Beulah was that she loved to learn new things, but she never liked to stick with one very long. You should have had dinner at her place sometime: Mexican, Italian, Polish, and Chinese food – all in one meal! And after that, fifteen kinds of dessert, and all of them her favorites! But back to the sweater. She was learning all different kinds of knitting, different styles, and she wanted to try them all. In ONE sweater!

    “So, there were zigzags, and granny squares, and checks and curlicues! Some parts were thicker than others, and parts of it were what you call ‘cable-knit,’ like lengths of braided rope. There were special knots and fringes, and every color in the rainbow – and two or three that weren’t! It was TREMENDOUSLY garish!

    “But, it WAS quite comfortable -- though one sleeve was about an inch longer than the other -- and it was very warm.  You didn’t even need to wear a coat – which was good, because I had about outgrown mine. So, here I was, looking like a carnival had exploded and all of it had landed on me – and there was my poor sister Beulah, beaming with pride at the very first sweater she had ever made.

    “ ‘Sometimes,’ she said, ‘the best gifts aren’t the ones you get. They’re the ones you give.’ ”
*****

And so opens "The Amazing, Fantastic, Stupendously Ugly Christmas Sweater."  Young Arnie's adventures/antics center around the sweater, and serve to reinforce the lesson about how it's better to give than receive. It may also stir young minds toward creative thinking/problem solving.  Set in the world of fifty to seventy years ago, it reminded me much of the sorts of stories my own grandfathers told me.

I can see this becoming a classic read for Christmas -- its size makes it perfect for stockings, or as an ideal gift for attendees at your ugly sweater party.

Allen’s Brain Movie Night Suggestions

The weekend's coming. Will you be standing in line to pay exorbitant prices to watch Hollywood's latest proof of mediocrity? Perhaps you'll opt to stay home and rent something.

May I make some suggestions for weekend double features? Fire up your Netflix or locate your nearest B-Movie geek...

“Inspired By”
As you might expect, these feature a lesser-known feature that inspired their more-famous counterparts -- the second feature.

- “The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms” -and- “Gojira” (a.k.a. Godzilla, King of Monsters, but if you can manage the subtitles, the original Japanese version is a superior film. Really.)
Nuclear tests awake extinct monsters who then ravage major metropolises. "Beast" is beautifully stop-motion animated by Ray Harryhausen; Gojira is a guy in a rubber suit. Both are worth watching.

- “It! The Terror From Beyond Space” -and- “Alien”
Long before Sigourney Weaver evaded and outsmarted the Alien species that smuggled itself onto her ship, another outer space creep got aboard a spacecraft and had to be creatively eliminated. This time, in 1958.
Both are kinda scary and virtually impossible to kill. However, there is a disappointing dearth of women in scanty undies in "It!"

- “Earth vs The Flying Saucers” -and- “Independence Day”
The first film is another featuring Harryhausen effects. The spinning saucer-crafts (and the method of defeat) were imitated in Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks." Both films have just enough admixtures of real and bogus science to make them fun, but the invaders in EvTFS aren't likely to scare your youngest kids -- though I found the stop-motion creatures' lack of facial features to be slightly unsettling.
Maybe you want to watch "Mars Attacks" for a third feature. Warning: Extreme Tom Jones!

- “Bride of the Gorilla” and “The Wolf Man.”
These two don’t seem that close, but “Bride” is what Curt Siodmak originally wanted to do with “Wolf Man.” I hate say anything more, lest I give the plot of Bride away. It features Raymond Burr, if that helps steer you.

- “The Clonus Horror” and “The Island” (2005)
See the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of Clonus, if you like. Both are scifi stories about people being cloned for parts.

- “Son of Frankenstein” -and- “Young Frankenstein”
This last pair isn’t really fair, since YF is more of a parody, but they really should be seen together to see just how funny Kenneth Mars doing Lionel Atwill’s Inspector Krogh is! Plus, check out “The Bride of Frankenstein” for the brilliant hermit scene!

So, there you are: a few "inspired by" suggestions. I suppose I could have added Kurosawa's "Hidden Fortress" and George Lucas' "Star Wars" -- both good flicks -- but they're not that similar. Or any of the Western remakes of Kurosawa's samurai films: Seven Samurai & Magnificent Seven; Yojimbo & Fistful of Dollars, etc., but those are remakes.

What would your suggested "Inspired By" features be?

Things I Learned or Thought About While Watching THEM!

Getting back to my SciFi/B-Movie roots (as an atomically-enhanced brain in a jar is wont to do) with this post.

For 1950s giant atomic monster movie fun, you can scarcely go wrong with THEM!  12-foot ants, people! Some of the best mechanical effects seen in the era.  Creepy atmosphere.  And plot turns:

"We killed 'em all!"
"Nope, some were hiding!"

"Now we have them all!"
"Nope, some migrated and started a new colony elsewhere--but where?"

"NOW we have destroyed all of them!"
"Yes, but what about the OTHER nuclear test sites?"

Not to mention, the BEST creepy monster sound EVER!
Like most of these films, there's the requisite cautionary lesson about nuclear power, but it's not particularly heavy-handed.

SO ANYWAY. . .

Here are some Things I Learned or Thought About While Watching THEM!


"Aw, wouldn't ya know it! Just get sat down for a picnic, and here come the ants!"

- Entomologists can recognize insects by their tracks.

- Giant mutant ants sound like frogs.



Special effects secret: Those are regular-sized ants
with a REALLY tiny helicopter flying past!

 - Famous and brilliant myrmecologists sometimes make up Bible quotations.

We may be witnesses to a Biblical prophecy come true. "And there shall be destruction and darkness come upon creation, and the beasts shall reign over the earth."

- Ants are just plain evil!

- Giant ants like granulated sugar, but not sugar cubes.



"Merv, I thought you said no one was gonna find out about us!
What am I gonna tell Sidney?"

 - Apparently, “Killed him a b’ar when he was only three,” does not qualify you to hunt gigantic ants. Keep Davy Crockett locked away in the booby hatch!
(Yup, this movie has everything! Davy Crockett, Matt Dillon, and Santa Claus [Fess Parker, James Arness, and Edmund Gwynne] -- AND giant ants!)

- The U.S. Army has a position known as “Sergeant In Charge of the Booze.” If more people knew this, there’d be no more need for recruiting.

- Gigantic Mutant ants can take multiple machine gun bullets to the head at close range and survive quite a lot of fire before they succumb, but they're virtually powerless with damaged antennae.


AND, THEM! is educational! You get to learn words like "Myrmecologist" and "stridulation." Who needs an ant farm when there's some lovely footage from what looks like a classroom film about ants, as well as dialogue from the scientists in the movie explaining all sorts of things about typical ant behavior?


Go watch THEM! Allen's Brain commands it!

Allen's Brain reviews "The Black Scorpion"

Okay, so not a review, so much. I just watched this for the first time the other night. It really was pretty decent, special-effects-wise.

Let's see... Mexico. A volcanic eruption releases giant scorpions from their subterranean habitat to destroy villages and eat people and livestock. Can Amercian Richard Denning and Mexican professor Carlos Rivas save the lovely Mara Corday, (veteran of other B-movies, like Tarantula) and her ranch, and Mexico City from gigantic black scorpions? Can you tazer a scorpion to death?

It's 1957, and the giant stop-motion scorpions are by Willis O'Brien, who did the original King Kong. Boy, can they skitter swiftly and move convincingly! And when they strike, I cringed a little. It was pretty unnerving for the time. And for fans of the classic King Kong, one of the creatures from the famously missing spider pit sequence appears in a subterranean scene in Black Scorpion!

Sure, the close-up shots of the monsters' faces are goofy, with their pupilled eyes and drooling giant mandibles flanking a mouth full of saw-tooth teeth (much like the poster art)! Sure, you can read "Lionel" on the side of the train that the scorpion wrecks! Sure, the science is bad! (A live scorpion crawling around inside a bubble in a hunk of obsidian?)

My biggest question is why they decided to go with "Black Scorpion," instead of "Giant Scorpion."

I'd watch this again. Of course, I like old stop-motion flicks. O'Brien and Harryhausen were brilliant.
Keep in mind, I also like giant bug movies, like "THEM!" "Tarantula" and "The Deadly Mantis," or pretty much any other "giant thing (probably atomic in nature) attacks civilization" movies.

Satire Collection Sparks Intended Revolution; Author Shocked.

Disorienting Woods - Mere weeks after the release of blogger Ironic Catholic’s second book, Felon Blames 1970s Church Architecture for Life of Sin: the Ironic Catholic News Volume I, a sort of spiritual revival has broken out among her readers.


“It was like she was talking about me personally,” said Kim Preston, 35, of Miller’s Grove, NJ. “Especially the story about ‘Grace for Clunkers,’ the one about ‘occasional unity,’ and–oh yeah!–the one about the patron saint of coffee drinking, St Java, or whatever. Oh! And the one about motherhood as spiritual vocation! OMG! SO FUNNY! But they really spoke to me. I plan on definitely making some changes in my devotional life–just as soon as the Spirit motivates me properly.”

Self-titled religious intellectual, Norm dePlume, had his own favorites. “I quite enjoyed the article on the sudden stability of Jacque Derrida. I also found the Swiftean overtones in the story about the Hemlock Society’s promotion of cannibalism worthy of a chuckle or two. Both stories pointed to much bigger principles about the nature of life and reality that I plan on personally and thoroughly examining just as soon as ecclesiastical authorities emphasize them.” dePlume could not be reached for further comment, having taken up what he believes is his God-given role as diocesan hermit.

Inscrutable, atomically-enhanced brain-in-a-jar and part-time mad scientist, Allen’s Brain, thought Ironic C’s new book was, “A good read, if a bit brief. Of course, this IS only ‘volume 1,’ so that almost certainly means there’s more to follow. And if I know, I.C., she won’t be able to help herself. It’s the best sort of madness that compulsively produces such consistently good material. Not every one made me laugh. Some just elicited a grin, but that’s to be expected. Different things tickle different funny bones. The “Iron Theologian” story got a good laugh out of my gray matter, and was a good way to end the book. The other one that really got me was the computer usage quiz that points to your denominational background. SO TRUE! Ha-ha! But I think my absolute favorite in the collection was the Flannery O’Connor conference where all these O’Connor-esque things keep happening. Wow! I certainly resolve to draw closer to God from now on–once I get some time to devote to it.”

What does the Ironic Catholic think of this response from her readership?

“What is wrong with you people? What are you waiting for? A sign from heaven?”

Nope. Just the next book, I.C. Just the next book.

Allen's Brain reviews Dear Communion of Saints

Dear Communion of Saints:

I want to write a review for this really humorous book by a very funny Catholic woman whose blog and facebook comments entertain me on a virtually daily basis. My problem is that I'm a small-P protestant that isn't even certain he's a small-C catholic. Can I do this book justice in a review, or should I just stay out of it?

Sincerely (as can be),
Disembodied Online

*****
I hit SEND, and Heaven's virus-protection and anti-spam programs immediately rejects my knee-mail (gag!). However, they DO forward it to some other, lesser community, and  I receive back this message.
*****

Dear Disembodied,

Apparently, you are a Christian in poor standing with any diocese or other ecclesiastial ruling body, and so the Dear Abby-style advice you might have received from "The Communion of Saints" has been re-routed to us, "The Figures Proposed for Canonization and then, Upon Further Review, Suggested for Cannon-ization." We have no nifty acronym, sorry.

It's the holidays, here, and normally we would reject your piddly request altogether. However, since St Espressus of Java and I spoke up for you, I have been allowed to field your question.

Now then, although you don't subscribe to the whole "saint" thing, this didn't get in the way of your enjoyment of the book! And you seemed perfectly happy to venerate Sts Valentine and Patrick earlier this year! Even if you didn't know who many of them were, you could certainly get off your glass-encased gluteas cerebellus* and educate yourself on the lives of these inspiring people in one of the books the Ironic Catholic helpfully listed at the end of D.C.o.S.

And so what if you don't do Mass or Lent? You go to church, and you get the gist of Lent (or you seemed to when you were penitently calling upon God the morning after Mardi Gras.) Besides, much of what's in the book appeals to Christians across the spectrum, like dentistry, Thanksgiving turkeys and the problem of committees! I know you chuckled at the "Just get over it and quit whining" nature of some of the answers.

So, in short: Yes, you should definitely write a review of this book. Your friend, I.C., will appreciate it, and your non-Catholic readers will perhaps be inspired to purchase a copy for themselves, and be amused and blessed. Just make sure that you include links to the print and e-book versions of it!

Disgusted at having been asked to answer such a dumb question,

St Melvin                                            

P.S. Eat more watermelon!
-----
*or "brain-butt"

Allen's Brain reviews The Demon Cross, by Nathan Shumate

My familiarity with Nathan Shumate was in connection with his very cool site, Pulp of the Day, in which readers come up with clever captions for the covers of pulp magazines and old paperbacks. Little did I know he was also an author of fun, supernatural detective fiction stories!

According to his website,

"Rennie Avalon is a one-woman private investigations agency whose cases lean toward the fringes of society… and reality. Originally presented as an online serial in 2002-2003, these volumes collect the Avalon & Company storylines for the first time in single volumes, specially edited and revised.”

What he doesn’t say is how much The Demon Cross–and the other Avalon & Co books, I’d imagine–feel like an old-school, rip-snorting pulp detective story mixed with liberal doses of H.P. Lovecraft. Of course, the ripping and snorting in this case, is being done by a young blond woman with a seven-year-old daughter. And she feels like someone about whom more stories had been written, and about whom I hoped more would be written. (Good news! There are more to follow!)

And the book feeds my primitive hunger for outrageous, pulpy, b-movie-style storylines.

Nazis? Check. Occult? Check. A band of neo-Nazis have laid hold of an ancient, unnamed text (Necronomicon, anybody?) and plan to use it to unleash a supernatural demonic force, in order to–well, that bit’s unclear, actually. The closest to a motive we get is a description in the mouth of possessed villain, Hans Mueller, that this monster is “A great, expansive god for all your hate and rage! A power that could work all of the destruction you longed for!”

References to tentacled beings haunting nightmares? Check. (Howard would be proud.) Why does young Beth have nightmares? It has something to do with the occultic goings-on, but, as with reality, the connection isn’t ever quite clear.

Suspense? Check. This is one of the tautest pieces of fiction I’ve read in awhile. Of course, the brevity of the text (90 pages) demands that, but there’s not a lot of long-winded mucking about in the inner lives of the characters. It’s a pure, suspenseful, action-driven story. And yet, the tension is balanced with a number of humorous asides–again, reminiscent of classic ‘tec tales--that keep it from getting too intense or wearing out its suspense value.

The ending? Well, I don’t want to give it away, but it’s a pretty satisfying conclusion. The drawback, however, is that it’s almost deus ex machina in nature. At the last minute, things are revealed that enable our heroes to turn the tide. I suppose that’s what they call a twist ending, but it didn’t really work for me. However, I’m told that I’m hard to please. As a B-movie-style story ending, though it is typical, and even ideal. This is not high-falutin' "great literature," and it never pretends to be. That's one of its greatest charms, in my estimation.

I liked this novel as a whole. It was a fun romp with people I’d like to sped more time with–Avalon & Co, not the Nazis. If the supernatural detective story is your thing, then I’d say you could do a lot worse than Nathan Shumate’s The Demon Cross.

New Halloweenish item

Alright, you Halloweeners! (We know who we are.) If you happen to be a fan of creepy music, "Nightmare Revisited" may suit your fancy. If you're a fan of Tim Burton, and "The Nightmare Before Christmas," you'll get quite a kick out of this. If you're a fan of Danny Elfman's film scores, you'll quite likely enjoy this.

Here's the deal. It's the entire soundtrack to TNBC done as covers by other artists. I don;t usually like cover albums, but this is just fun. Most of these folks I don't know, but DeVotchka's punk/klezmer take on the Overture is wonderful to hear, as is Marylin Manson's eerie rendition of "This is Halloween." The Yoshida Bros' acoustic guitar/electronica version of "Nabbed" is quite nice. So is Korn's remarkably creepy "Kidnap the Sandy Claws." One more stands out to me: Flyleaf's minor-key, slightly out of sync cover of "What's This?" jut really fits the mood of the film.

There are a couple downers here, in my snooty opinion. The Polyphonic Spree covers the "Town Meeting Song"--and I do mean "covers"! Elfman's charming tune and meter are completely lost in something that seems to belong to a 70s rock opera. On the other hand, if you're a fan of the Spree, this may really trip your trigger. It is suitably creepy fun, though. The other real disappointment (again, for me) is "Oogie Boogie's Song." Performed by Rodrigo y Gabriela, it's decent musically, but they're the only ones who did a cover on this disc and left out the words! Actually, they do bring in one line: "Sally: What are you going to do? Boogie: I'm gonna do the best I can."

Additionally, the two narrated pieces, appropriately named "Opening" ("Twas a long time ago, longer now than it seems, in a place that perhaps you've seen in your dreams...") and "Closing" (in which the narrator asks Jack if he'd do it over again) are re-worked and narrated by Elfman himself.

Other artists appearing: The All-American Rejects, Amiina, The Vitamin String Quartet, Sparklehorse, Rise Against, Amy Lee, Rjd2, Plain White T's, Datarock, Shiny Toy Guns, The Album Leaf.

Definitely worth the purchase price, this'll be one of many soundtracks for my October--and afterwards.

"3-2-1 Penguins" Does "Monsters, Inc" One Better

If you're not familiar with Big Idea's non-veggie programming "3-2-1 Penguins," then you're unfamiliar with it (that seems safe enough.) Pretty cute stuff. Lots of geeky sci-fi humor.

Anyway, they're broadcasting new episodes on Saturday mornings. Today, the professor (Fidgel) was testing out his new invention, "The Harryhausen Ray," which causes things it's aimed at to "stop motion." Ha!

You may remember that Ray Harryhausen was the stop animator behind plenty of great old movies like the original "Mighty Joe Young" and "Jason And The Argonauts" (fighting skeletons, anyone?) "Monsters, Inc" made a nice reference to Ray by naming the fancy restaurant "HarryHausen's," but for sheer geeky wondrousness, the Harryhausen Ray gets my vote. Additionally, 50s B-movie fans would certainly have delighted to see a picnic upset by gigantic ants, ala "Them!" True, Harryhausen didn't work on "Them!", but he certainly crafted plenty of other giant stop-motion creatures for similar movies.

A few words on "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper

I was loaned this book, which is the only way I would likely have read it. Near Death Experiences (NDEs) don't really thrill me much, even if they agree with my own views of the afterlife (which Piper's does, more or less.)

The introduction to the book mentions that, back in 1989, Don Piper was in an auto accident and was "dead" for 90 minutes. During this time, he believes that he went to Heaven to visit with deceased friends and relatives before coming back to life. That covers the first 4 chapters of the book, and the remaining chapters talk about the difficulties of recovery and therapy, and then about how relating his experiences to other people helped them. Pretty standard stuff, frankly.

Here's what perturbs me about this book, though. Piper is a Baptist minister. He was one before he was in the accident. He already believed in Heaven--had no doubt of it. But he ultimately insists that, because of his mystical experience, he knows there is a Heaven. Furthermore, numerous people, having heard his story also are now convinced there is a Heaven. That isn't a bad thing, I guess.

I just wish he had said, "I believe that Heaven is real, not because I believe I've been there, but because the Word of God tells us it is, and God's promises are always true." I wish he had said, "Don't believe because of this fantastic story I've told you. Believe because God says it!"

What's Black-and-White and Red All Over?

Tim Burton's latest film, that's what.

I saw Burton's adaptation of Stephen Sondheim's "Sweeney Todd" last night. Fans of Sondheim will, no doubt, be interested to see what Burton cut in order to make a two-hour movie out of a three-hour Broadway musical. Burton fans, a group I find myself in, will want to see it, because it's Burton back doing what we love to see him do. Dark and quirky and dark. (Did I mention dark?)

The palates are classic Tim Burton: practically black and white (think especially his second "Batman" outing and "Sleepy Hollow") with buckets of technicolor blood straight out of a Hammer horror film.

The music is, as I've already mentioned, Stephen Sondheim, so nothing by long-time collaborator Danny Elfman this time around--though the overture certainly sounded like an Elfman arrangement. The lyrics are darkly funny and twisted, and even though Johnny Depp isn't a singer, he does alright, communicating with his eyes and sweeping gestures when he doesn't necessarily turn in a Carnegie Hall-level vocal performance. Helena Bonham Carter does nicely as the world weary, meat-pie shop owner. Alan Rickman is Alan Rickman, and as such does not disappoint. I would've liked to see Christopher Lee somewhere in this (having also appeared in several previous Burtons), but maybe he doesn't sing.

The plot. Yes. Sweeney Todd is a barber who shaves his customers and then slits their throats and drops them on their heads through a trap door. Todd's accomplice then makes meat pies out of them, thus disposing of the evidence and saving money on purchasing beef. Gruesome, yes, but there actually was such a character in Victorian London. His activities were blown out of proportion for Penny Dreadfuls (precursor to the pulp magazine and comic book,) but they did find evidence of at least two that he "polished off." The story then became a staple of stage melodramas and grand guignol theater. Check out Tod Slaughter (A sadly unappreciated actor who specialised in Victorian villains) as the Demon Barber of Fleet Street to get a sense of what the early melodrama versions of the story were like. He's a larger than life villain who invited men in for a shave in order to rob them or, in one instance, kill off the guardian of the young woman he desires in order to try to force her into marriage with him.

Sondheim makes this monster a sympathetic character, though. Todd is a tragic hero, wronged by a crooked justice who frames him in order to marry his lovely wife. Sweeney Todd is out for his revenge upon the judge, and winds up killing a few other unfortunates to provide meat for his landlady/partner and keep his secret until he can bring about razor-edged justice on Rickman's evil judge.

However, like Melville's Captain Ahab, his quest for revenge consumes him, and in a plot twist worthy of O. Henry, he is doubly judged for his bloodlust. (Is that enough literary name-dropping?) The acute Bible student will possibly find parallels here to Habakkuk's dilemma: Judah is wicked and so they are judged, but the instrument of judgment is the far-worse offenders, the Babylonians. Ultimately, though, the Babylonians too were punished for their own wickedness. (Two lit references and a Hebrew prophet with a funny name? What's next? Shakespeare?)

On the subject of the madness of revenge and meat pies, you could do worse than to read Shakespeare's "Titus Andronicus." Better yet, watch the film version with Anthony Hopkins in the title role, and get your art-film quotient in at the same time!

If Sweeney Todd is short on redemptive characteristics, it's still a very well-made film. Nice camera work, effective lighting, quality acting, impressive art direction. Oh! and a guy singing a love song to his razors--what's not to love about that? Even so, of you're squeamish about blood and graphic violence, ya' might want to give this one a pass.

Allen's Brain Reviews (sort of) Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Eegahinc at B-Movie Catechism's (check him out in the blogroll!) mention of this dreck-ful film inspired me to re-view and review it. Mostly, this is an analysis of the spiritual themes in the movie... such as they are.
*****

Of course, the title kinda gives away the plot ending, and ruins any possible tension watchers might have. There is no question that S.C. will come out on top, “conquering” the Martians...however it is that they are involved.

Alright, if you’ve never endured–er experienced–seen this stinker, here’s the basic idea. Martian children are listless and unhappy because they’ve never had a chance to be kids. Viewing earth’s tv emphasis on Santa Claus & getting gifts only increases their gloom. (There's a lesson there, on it's own!) Mars VIP Kimar makes a mission to earth in order to bring Santa Claus back to Mars. But when Santa's cheer starts to spread, Martian Christmas Grinch Voldar tries to take Santa hostage and wreck Mars’ first Christmas.Bad guys are foiled. Mars gets her own Santa. Santa returns to earth to make his usual Christmas eve run. Hooray for Santy Claus. (Only those who've see SCCtM will get that.)

And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven.”Matthew 18:2-3 This text expresses the central theme of SCCtM: Children need to be children, and Santa Claus is the corpulent source of jollity and child-likeness. He even inspires adults to giggle at silly jokes.

The children of Mars, you see are raised from birth to become short adults. There is no Martian horseplay–and probably no Martian horses. Martian kids don’t have fun, they have an education–and a zombified, glazed-over expression on their faces as they watch “earth programs”on television. This typifies their longing for things they don’t have: toys, “tender loving care,”and Santa. So they lose sleep and appetite. If S.C. typifies Christ in the film, are the children “restless until we find our rest in thee”?

In an earth interview of Santa at the North Pole, the reporter remarks that, if there any people on Mars, “I sure hope they have someone like you...” This is the constant problem with “Christian” sci fi – Does Jesus’ death atone for non-earthlings? Or do they need, as do the Martians in this film, their own Santa Claus/Savior?

When Kimar decides to seek the wisdom of ancient Martian wise man Chochem, Voldar(obviously the villain in this story, what with his grumpiness and sneering and handlebar mustache) objects, stating that he can “dismiss the wisdom of centuries.”

When asked “What is a ‘Christmas’?”, Chochem replies “It’s an occasion for great joy and peace on the planet Earth. And for children, it is also a time for anticipation as they await the arrival of Santa Claus.” How Advent-y!

Additionally, he counsels that the children “need a Santa Claus on Mars” so that they can learn to play and be children.

“There’s only one Santa Claus, and he’s on earth,” remarks the villain. Later on, so does earth child Billy Foster. Again, if the Claus is standing in for the Christ, this certainly reflects 1Timothy 2:5 “There is one God and one mediator...”

The Martians launch a mission to bring Santa to Mars. The spirit of S.C. already exists in a silly,child-like character named Droppo, the comic foil of the movie. I’m reminded of Romans 10:6-8

But the righteousness that is by faith says: "Do not say in your heart, 'Who will ascend into heaven?'" (that is, to bring Christ down) "or 'Who will descend into the deep?'" (that is, to bring Christ up from the dead). But what does it say? "The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart," that is, the word of faith we are proclaiming.

As an interesting side note, the Martians are misled by many “false Santas” (his “helpers” ringing bells on street corners) before they come to the real thing. Thus has been the journey of many,seeking the truth, yet meeting with many substitutes before they find the real Truth.

Upon locating Santa’s North Pole workshop, the Martians--reminiscent of the mob who came to arrest Jesus in Gethsemane--over-arm themselves, taking along a giant treacherous robot (Torg) to “arrest” Santa. It’s all to no effect. The Claus is in total control and mostly comes of his own free will.

Attempts by Voldar to rid Mars of Santa fail; such as trying to send him out the airlock (He slips in through the air duct, chimney-style), discrediting him by wrecking the toy machines (this works but no one believes it’s Santa’s fault), and even kidnapping him (It turns out to be Droppo in a Santa suit.) Like God himself, Santa is hard to pin down, entrap, or control. In fact, he’s downright slippery!

That’s really about it. Droppo loves laughter and making toys, and is the essence of childlikeness.So, put him in a red & white fur suit, hat, and a fake beard, and you have a Martian “Droppo Claus.” After all, that’s what S.C. is all about, in the eyes of the movie: having fun and being childlike.

“Santa Claus Conquers The Martians” may be purchased cheaply lots of places. I got it for a buck at Target last year. OR, if you’d like to see it in a less-painful format, It was featured on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 “Essentials” set, packaged with the King of bad films “Manos: The Hands of Fate.”

Eyeball Soup for the MonsterKid's Soul

Or, Fuel For Your Inner Monster Child's Motor Scooter:


As you might suspect, based on this blog's title and content, I have a particular fondness for old classic monster movies and 1950s sci-fi films. If you are a like-minded brain in a jar, or if you are still dragging around that meat-suit you call a body but still like monsters, the following selections will help nourish that affinity.

Eek! is the name of a comic strip I just discovered ("discovered" in the sense that Columbus discovered America.) Mummies, werewolves, Black Lagoon-based Creatures, and other such delightful people are regular denizens of this one-panel salute to monstrous--ahem--comedy.

Swing by the site daily, or have it delivered free to your e-mail! As Frankenstein says, Comic Good!

*****

Also, sating my monster-ous appetite is this book by Adam Rex.

It's juvenile poetry, geared for the 5-10 set, according to the cover. However, it's very funny, even for adults--whatever those are...

In this book, Frankenstein's monster goes next door to borrow sandwich fixings and brings an angry mob down upon him; the Creature from the Black Lagoon fails to wait an hour after lunch before going swimming (that one's a little dark, actually); and Dracula has spinach stuck in his teeth. Additionally, the artwork is fun, and often references the original films. (This is especially true of the Phantom of the Opera send-up, in which he gets "It's a Small World After All" stuck in his head--just like it's now stuck in yours! Heh-heh-heh!)

A particularly good gift for kids who like monsters, or who are being raised to like monsters by monster-fan parents (you know who you are!)

Please! Won't somebody think of the (monster-loving) children?!!